Top Ten Reasons Why Yamis Suck
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: There are ten reasons why Yuugi, Ryou, and Malik hate their yamis, ten reasons why their house is constantly vandalized, and ten reasons why people tend to avoid dealing with Yami, Bakura, and Marik. VULGAR HUMOR. That is your warning.
1. Reason One

DIS: Wow. The only thing I have to say about this story is that I CANNOT believe I wrote it. It's incredibly perverted, even for me, especially since I haven't made something like this since _Talk About Bizarre_. In any case, I hope everyone will forgive me for the crude humor. I swear that it'll get cleaner after this first chapter. (PROMISE!!) But the warnings have been made - HEED THEM! Don't get pissy with me because you decided to ignore them... :P

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_Title: Top Ten Reasons Why Yamis Suck_

_Rating: M_

_Genre: Humor_

_Summary: There are ten reasons why Yuugi, Ryou, and Malik hate their yamis, ten reasons why their house is constantly vandalized, and ten reasons why people tend to avoid dealing with Yami, Bakura, and Marik. VULGARITY._

_Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh_

_Notes/Warnings: Humor; implied Bakura/Anzu; perverseness; language; insults; ten-part fic; ULTRA vulgar_

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_Top Ten Reasons Why Yamis Suck_

_Reason One: Yamis can piss you off, make you jealous, or simply make you seem LESS like a man when it comes to women. Therefore, keep them AWAY from women while you're with them. It'll help your ego._

Ryou knew that making Bakura go to school with him wasn't a good idea. Not only did he constantly bicker with Marik, Malik, and Yami, but he was always provoked Jounouchi, stole Honda's food or tore up his homework, and of course, he flipped Anzu's skirt up. Generally, that was something Jou and Honda did, but Bakura was a five-thousand year old spirit and hadn't been laid in that time. Obviously his mind was going to be circulating around Anzu, especially since she didn't piss him off as much as Mai did.

"Bakura, can you help me with something?" Ryou called into the family room from the kitchen.

"Yes." Ryou smiled to himself and then continued to stir the contents of the pot for a few minutes. He paused, frowning, and turned back to look at the hall, waiting for any sound of movement from the living room. The sound of the TV was still going and there were no squeaks from the couch and no footsteps that indicated Bakura was coming to the kitchen.

"Bakura!" He called again. "I asked you something!"

"And I answered you, didn't I?" His yami snapped back. "I told you I could!"

Ryou waited a beat and then turned the burner down, stomping to the living room doorway, frowning. "Well?"

"WELL WHAT?" Bakura glared up at him from his seat.

"You said you would help me!"

"No, I said I _could_ help you." He turned back to the TV. "Why would I help you? You're a lazy ass, anyway." A corner of Ryou's mouth twitched madly at that.

"I cook, I clean, and I go to school and _you _are calling _me_ lazy? All you do is slouch around everywhere and make fun of Yami, Malik, and Marik! I'm sick of you treating me this way! In fact..." Ryou turned around abruptly and stormed to the kitchen. Curious, Bakura rose to his feet and followed him, watching as Ryou jerked his apron off and threw it to the ground. He took the pot of soup from the burner and poured it down the sink and then took the lamb chops from the oven and violently threw them and the pan out in the yard. "I'm not going to clean or cook and do _anything_ for you! You can do it ALLL by yourself." Bakura stood staring at his abiou calmly, his hands tucked in his pockets.

Smirking, he asked, "How big are you, anyway, Ryou? Do you even have anything in your pants, because from that little episode, I would think that you were a woman." Ryou flushed angrily, glaring at Bakura.

"Well – "

"Or do you actually have something, but your so busy with your hand that you can't form an actual relationship with a woman?" Ryou's jaw dropped while Bakura's smirk grew wider. After awhile, Ryou closed his mouth and then simply stepped away from the kitchen. Bakura watched him take his coat, put his shoes on, and then leave the house, shutting the door quietly behind him. Snickering, Bakura muttered, "He's going to go cry on the sidewalk now."

Outside, Ryou was beating his hands on the sidewalk while people walked around him, giving him an odd stare. "I'll show him, I'll show him!" He wailed to himself. "I'm probably bigger than he is! Bigger than any of them are!" He jerked to his feet, startling a young woman who was walking her dog. "I HAVE A BIGGER ONE THAT ANY GIRL WOULD LIKE TO SUCK!" He thrust his hands in the air triumphantly.

The young woman gawked at him, her cheeks going pink. Ryou blinked and lowered his hands. She glowered and then slapped him. Ryou held his hand to his cheek as he watched her walk away, baffled.

"What did I do...?" He wondered aloud.

The next day at school, Ryou was determined to show his yami that he was more manly in the pants by either getting laid, making out with some girl, or just getting a blow job. The first and last decision made him feel queasy since, really, Ryou wasn't the type to just GO AND DO THAT with any girl. He didn't much like the idea of making out with any girl, either, so he chose Anzu as his unknowing partner in crime. He only hoped that she wouldn't find him too forward.

At lunch, Bakura was just returning from eating lunch with Malik and Marik and Ryou was in the middle of a conversation with Anzu. He glanced at his yami, who was eating an apple, and clenched his fists tight despite the uncomfortable feeling in his belly. _This is it! I'm going to show him that I AM manly! I can be the better one! I'm not a wimp like everyone thinks I am! I'm better! I'm cooler! I'm...I'm REALLY not looking forward to doing this... _He glanced around. All of his other friends were here. Hell, even Malik and Marik had drifted over there to taunt Yami. The only one not present was Kaiba, but he was only a table away, typing at his laptop. _I'm about to make an ass out myself. Oh, well, as long as I prove myself to Bakura. _

Ryou looked at Anzu, who was smiling up at him absently, and then leaned down, grabbing her shoulders, and kissed her hard on the mouth. Bakura paused in eating his apple, raising his eyebrows in surprise. Yami, who had been ready to start screaming at Marik, halted and stared at the scene, his mouth opening and closing like a fish's. Malik's mouth was curling into a wide smirk and he and Marik were snickering, glancing at Bakura.

"WOW," Jounouchi exclaimed. "Am I da only one who didn't know about dis?" Yami snapped out of it and glared at Jou.

_Umm, how come she's not pulling back or slapping me? _Ryou wondered. He brightened. _SCORE! I _am_ manly! Hahahaha! Er...Wow, she has a really nice mouth!_

When Ryou finally drew away from Anzu, they both were staring at each other in bemusement. Anzu was trying to figure out three things: 1) Whether she had given Ryou any idea that she was romantically interested in him, 2) Why she had just kissed him back when she WASN'T romantically interested in him, and 3) Why Yami and Bakura were eyeing Ryou evilly.

_Ah, well, _Ryou thought, _even if I do get beat up by Yami and Bakura, at least it was worth it. At least I can say I've kissed a girl before, even if it was a friend. _

"Humph," Bakura snorted, throwing the apple at Marik's head. Marik glared, his smirk falling off his lips irritably. "You just started a war, Ryou." Ryou blanched and Anzu looked from the two, utterly confused at what was going on. Yami's eyes flashed dangerously and just as he stepped forward to stop Bakura from what he expected him to do, Ryou's yami briskly shoved Ryou away and gave a taunting smirk to him. "I'll show you how it's done."

"Well, this should be interesting," Kaiba's voice cut in as Bakura heaved Anzu up to her feet. She gave a nervous look to her friends and then there was another mouth on hers, much more pleasing and experienced than the first. Kaiba chuckled, glancing at Ryou, "Whatever war he was talking about, you just lost the first battle."

"Wh-what?" Ryou snapped. "What's THAT supposed to mean?" Kaiba rolled his eyes.

"That out of the two of you, I think Mazaki has already decided which is the better kisser. Too bad you're no competition in the bedroom." He snickered. "You and Yuugi both."

Ryou exchanged a look to Yuugi and they both mouthed, _Why do they all think that we're small in the pants??_

X

"I'M GOING TO BEAT THEM BOTH TO A BLOODY PULP!!" Yami roared in the courtyard after school. Yuugi sweat dropped, rubbing the back of his head. "They've defiled our innocent Anzu!" He put a hand to his forehead dramatically. "They've turned her into a common whore! MY ANZU IS NOT A WHORE, YUUGI!"

"_Your _Anzu?" Yuugi repeated blandly, raising his eyebrows. Yami frowned at him, his eyes narrowed.

"Whose else's would she be?" He demanded. "Just think of what those two damn white-haired freaks are going to do to her..."

_Yami's Image_

_Anzu was chained up to a wall in a dungeon with a tattered gown on her and dirt smudged on her body. Bakura and Ryou walked in, looking like evil twins. "Oh, my! Please, you've already ravished me! What else could you possibly do?"  
_

"_My dear, don't you know that ravishment is not the worst of your problems?" Ryou purred, his hand coming up with a whip and handcuffs. "Now the real fun begins!"_

_Bakura laughed and lifted up a video camera to his face. "And we're going to tape all of it so we can post it on You Tube and everyone will jack off to it at night! Just imagine, little Anzu...thousands of old, horny, married men watching us bone you and end up making a mess all over their keyboard!" He laughed again._

"_Oh, noooo! Please, I'm too good for this! I'm destined to be with Yami!"_

"_The Pharaoh wouldn't have a foursome because he's a loser. It's his own fault for missing out! He said he wanted to wait until you were married!"_

"_What a sweetheart...How I love him!"_

"_You have to love US now!" Ryou commanded, pointing a finger down at her. "We're your masters! Beg at our feet!"_

"_Yami is my master! Only he can whip me in bed!" Anzu cried. "I want him to bend me over and..."_

"_No! We're going to do that!" Bakura barked out._

"_So cruel, so cruel..." Anzu turned her head and started sobbing while the two cackled._

_End Yami's Image_

Yuugi could only stare at Yami, his face twisted in disgust. The Pharaoh had a dreamy smile on his face.

"YAMI! That's SICK!"

"Oh, you know you want to do her, too," Yami scoffed. "You just wouldn't give her the right performance."

"(- -) What...do you mean by that?" Yuugi demanded quietly.

"We all know how small you and Ryou are. You MIGHT be as big when you're worked up as I am flaccid." Yami smiled while Yuugi – our little, innocent Yuugi, barely corrupted by Jou and Honda – stared at his yami with a pale face. "You have to admit that it makes sense, Yuugi. All short and stuff..."

"WHY IS EVERYONE GETTING ON ME ABOUT BEING SHORT?! SO WHAT IF I'M SHORT! I CAN PROBABLY MAKE A GIRL MOAN LOUDER THAN YOU CAN!" Yami's eyes widened in shock.

"YUUGI! Where did you learn such vulgar language?"

"...From YOU."

"Nonsense! I am pure as a god. Don't get me mixed up with common trash."

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M TRASH?"

"I think you need to take a nap, Yuugi," Yami informed him with a frown. At that point, Yuugi was practically seeing red.

"I AM NOT A LITTLE KID ANYMORE!"

"...anymore," Yami muttered under his breath. Just when Yuugi was about to say more, Ryou, trailing behind Bakura and sulking, came into Yami's sight. "YOU TWO INFERNAL BEINGS!" Yami leapt forward to intercept them. "HOW DARE YOU KISS MY ANZU!"

"Hmm?" Bakura smirked. "By the way her tongue was in my mouth, she sure as hell wasn't yours."

"WHAT THE FU – "

"UH, Bakura," Yuugi quickly interrupted. Even if he was pissed at his yami right now, that didn't mean he wanted him to DIE. "Can you try and not say those kinds of things? You know how Yami is when it comes to girls he likes."

"I just want to fuck her, so I don't know what his problem is," Bakura remarked, shrugging.

"THAT'S MY PROBLEM, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF – " Yuugi slapped a hand on Yami's both before he could finish that, giving a nervous smile to Bakura.

"Really, don't be saying those kinds of things. You're just going to piss him off."

"Hehehe...Not my fault his harem was running to me when I was raiding the palace. After all, only a REAL man can satisfy a woman."

"Well, then that means you wouldn't do shit to make a woman wet, huh, Bakura?" Another voice sneered. Bakura turned, glaring, at Marik. "We all know how women tend to run after you drop your pants. Let's face it, nobody can deny a body like this." Marik gestured to his tanned, finely toned body. Bakura's eyes narrowed into an even more vicious glare, if possible.

"Where's, um, your abiou, Marik?" Yuugi hesitantly queried, desperately trying to keep the conversation clean.

"Probably playing with himself in a bathroom stall."

_(- -) That really wasn't something I needed to hear..._ Yuugi thought, sweat dropping nervously.

"Marik, have you looked at your hair lately?" Bakura casually remarked. "No matter what your body might look like, as soon as a girl looks up, they'll be screaming. Your hair looks like a porcupine has permanently settled on the top of your head." Marik's lip curled in a sneer.

"Let's not get into it about hair since yours is so white that it looks like you've aged prematurely. The women might think that other certain parts of your anatomy have aged, too." He smirked as a low growl emitted from Bakura. They might have continued if Malik hadn't called from behind. Everyone turned to see Malik and Anzu with each other, Malik carrying both his and Anzu's bags.

"I'm walking Anzu home," Malik told them simply, then the two of them continued on with everyone staring after them. Malik turned and smirked at the three yamis, flipping them off behind Anzu's back.

_Reason One: ...But then, some abious know how to double cross their yamis. _

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DIS: Hehehehe...No, I promise this isn't going to turn into another Malik/Anzu fic. It's a bit of Yami/Anzu/Bakura. Who knows who the winner will be? Although, I'm fairly certain you guys have an idea. I wasn't going to start a new story until later since I have three already out, but DAMN, I just had to get this idea out! It was too hard to resist. Please review on your way out! Ciao!


	2. Reason Two

DIS: Welcome back! It is now time for chapter TWO of my humor fic. Yay, a humor fic! (laughs nervously) Anyway, thanks for the reviews and now, enjoy!

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_Reason Two: One yami is bad enough, but three of them together? That's even worst._

Somehow, Yuugi had ended up in an English class with Marik, Yami, and Bakura. Somehow, during the second quarter, when they changed seats, he ended up between Yami and Bakura, with Marik on the other side of Bakura. How this had been set up, Yuugi didn't even want to consider over. All he knew was that it was hell. It was bad enough when they were together during lunch (God forbid Marik eat off of Bakura's lunch tray!) but now that he was between them in ENGLISH...This was utter torture.

_Haven't I been good, God? _Yuugi wondered to the heavens. _Haven't you loved me? I mean, you gave me the Sennen Puzzle! You even made me Game King! You gave me friends for Christ's sake! Is this how you repay me for all my hard work at saving the world? – TORTURING ME WITH THREE DAMNED YAMIS SURROUNDING ME? _

_Yuugi, why are you talking to yourself? _Yami asked in a mind-link.

_GO BLOW BAKURA, YAMI!_

Yami gasped and stood up in the middle of reading period in class. "YOU LITTLE BASTARD, HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I OUGHT TO – " He cut off abruptly, noticing that Bakura and Marik had huge ass smirks on their faces, Yuugi was sinking in his seat, ashamed, and the whole class was staring at him, clearly disgusted with him. They obviously thought he was hearing voices in his head...which he was. "Eh-heh-heh...Must have fallen asleep again."

"With your eyes open?" Bakura sarcastically quipped.

"Shut the fuck up, Bakura! At least I don't shove a dildo up my ass as soon as I'm alone!" A few people snickered, glancing at Bakura, whose face had turned black with anger. Yuugi groaned under his breath, mumbling, "Why me...?" Snapping to attention, Yami looked to Yuugi and said, "It's always about _you_, isn't it? Well, what about ME? I've been suffering for years and all you had to say about THAT was, 'Oh, yay, I finally have a friend that can make me win Duel Monsters! Hooray for me!' You didn't even CARE that I was locked up and practically your SLAVE! You didn't care, did you, Yuugi? Did you? NOOOO, you didn't care at all!"

"I can't believe I'm facing someone crazier than me," Marik mumbled, keeping his eyes off Yami, disturbed by his sudden outbursts.

"Oh, go blow Bakura," Yami grouched, using the same line that Yuugi had on him.

"Mr. Mutou, I think you could use some time alone," the teacher suggested, creeped out.

"NO! I AM NOT INSANE! I AM _NORMAL! _DO YOU HEAR ME? I'M AS FUCKING NORMAL AS ANYONE ELSE IN THIS ROOM – except for Bakura and Marik, obviously."

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Why don't I leave with YOUR MOM?" A few students' jaws dropped.

"_Yami_," Yuugi hissed. "That's the TEACHER you're talking to."

"I don't care who he is! He's probably a pedophile anyway." Yami crossed his arms and eyed the teacher. "Is that why you like to work here? Do you get off on all the short skirts the girls wear? You sick bastard...I should castrate you with a rubber spoon!" At this point, the teacher's face was so red that he could have been mistaken for a wrinkled cherry with glasses on.

"GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!"

"So that nobody else knows the truth, I suppose?" Yami snorted and stomped towards the door, slamming it open. "I'll go, but everyone knows why your hands are under the desk all the time. You don't REALLY have asthma – it's all a ruse so that you can stare at girls' legs and – " Yami fled when the teacher chased him out of the room. The girls in the room were looking uncomfortable and more than a little awkward, glancing around. The guys were appearing outraged and protective of their respective female students. Yuugi was sunken so far in his seat that only the tips of the spikes on his hair were seen.

"I want a different yami," he groaned from the chair. Bakura glanced at him and raised an eyebrow, but said nothing in response, still a bit pissed from Yami's comment about having a dildo up his ass.

X

At lunch, Yuugi ranted at Yami through a mind-link and the others at the table watched the two of them glare at each other and clench their fists around their tray furiously. Jou reached out to take a bite of Yami's lasagna, but Yami snatched his wrist instantly and held it, hissing, "KEEP. YOUR. HANDS. OFF. MY. FOOD."

"But dude, you weren't even eating it!" Honda exclaimed, shocked at the Pharaoh's behavior.

"AND YOU!" Yami thrust a finger at Malik, who was sitting next to Marik and chatting to his yami. "STAY AWAY FROM ANZU!"

"Yami!" Anzu protested, her eyes wide. "What are you getting on Malik for? He's been such a sweetheart to me! He walked me home the other day – "

"He was probably fantasizing about putting his face in your crotch, Anzu," Yami told her frankly. Malik dropped his plastic fork, swallowing his food with difficulty. "And _you..._" He glared at Bakura. "You _definitely_ stay away from Anzu."

"The difference between me and Malik, Pharaoh," Bakura sneered, "is that I could actually GET my face in her crotch."

(OO)

"Is this really the kind of conversation for the lunch table?" Ryou groaned.

"Says the one who kissed her!" Yami shot at him. Yuugi glared warningly.

"It wasn't Ryou's fault. Bakura provoked him by saying he acted like a woman!" Yuugi faithfully guarded his friend.

"Well, maybe if you and Ryou actually got laid, Bakura wouldn't be throwing comments like that around."

"Exactly," Bakura agreed.

"They _are_ pansies," Marik added with a smirk. Malik respectfully kept out of it, as he knew the three yamis could turn on him, too, if he tried to say anything.

Anzu, furiously looking at the two cornered abious and the three aggravating yamis, became more than a little irritated. "It's funny you say that," she spoke up, boring holes through Bakura, "because I found Ryou's kiss ten times better than _yours_. And besides, I would rather go to bed with Malik than you, Marik, since you're freaky looking and thanks, Yami, but if Yuugi didn't have RESPECT for women, he COULD get laid." All three yamis were staring at Anzu, two of them shocked, and one royally pissed. Malik inched away from Marik, hoping he didn't think she had said that because of him.

"OOOH, BURN ON MARIK!" Honda and Jou howled, high-fiving. They then turned their hands to Anzu and she high-fived them, laughing.

"BITCH, YOU ARE GONNA PAY!" Marik roared.

"Why don't you come over here and say that to my face?" Anzu boldly replied, a bit frightened inside. "You don't even have the Sennen Rod!"

(Silence...)

"I might not have the Sennen Rod," Marik agreed, digging in his pocket. "But I do have...THIS!" He held up his hand with the object in it and everyone gasped, staring at what he held.

"IS THAT...?" Yami began.

"IT IS!" Malik answered, gasping.

"Wait...What is it?" Jou dumbly questioned. Marik snickered and then the object was plucked out of his hand by none other than Seto Kaiba.

"Mortal, what the hell do you think you're doing? Give me that, it's MINE!" Marik took a threatening step, but the CEO was unfazed.

"Why are you carrying around a vibrating pod?" Kaiba demanded, casting a disgusted look towards Marik. "What kind of twisted shit are you doing with yourself?" Marik snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Please, don't be stupid." He sent a sly look to Anzu, who was staring at the pod in Kaiba's hand. "This is a mini vibrator. It activates by the waves of a cell phone when a phone call is made. Therefore..." He nodded to Anzu. "If I got that in her, she would be at my mercy. I could have her at her knees with my pants down if I wanted." Kaiba looked even more repulsed and stepped away from Marik. Shrugging, the yami said, "I'm just giving the truth. And after what she said..." He shot a dark look towards Anzu. "She deserves to be raped."

"Then you'll have to buy a new one, Marik, because I'm not giving this back." Kaiba pocketed the pod. "Blood can bathe Domino another time, because trust me, that's what's going to happen if you do that to her."

"Are you claiming her, Seto Kaiba?" Marik scoffed.

"No...But _he_ is." He nodded to Yami who was looming behind Marik. Puzzled, Marik turned to receive a hard punch in the face. He swore as he stumbled backwards. Kaiba slid away easily and then left them to their doldrums while everyone else watched them with amused expressions.

Bakura slid over the bench of the lunch table next to Anzu, who jumped. "So...I'm a bad kisser, am I?" He murmured. She paled, inching away.

"Um...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," she weakly said.

"That didn't hurt my feelings," he growled. "It downright beat the living shit out of my ego." She sweated nervously. "So, should I try harder or are you going to change your mind and tell everyone here that you lied?"

"Can we just pretend it never happened?" Anzu suggested, laughing nervously. He gave a predatory smile.

"Oh, no, that's not an option." He took her chin in his hand and leaned forward.

"Er...Bakura, really, I don't – " A hand landed on Bakura's shoulder and pulled him back. Bakura turned around, frowning, to see Yami behind him, his face bathed in shadows. A tiny bead of sweat rolled down the side of Bakura's face. Anzu let out a relieved sigh. "Oh, good, Yami."

"No one touches my Anzu!"

"..._your_ Anzu?" She and Bakura repeated. Yami released Bakura and tossed his bangs from his eyes, sighing as a partially normal expression came on his face.

"Of course. Whose else _would_ you be, Anzu?"

"HOW ABOUT BEING MY OWN PERSON?" She demanded loudly. Yami looked honestly confused by the concept, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion, his eyes full of puzzlement. You could almost see the question marks floating away from his head.

"No...I'm pretty sure you're mine," he concluded. Bakura covered his mouth, stifling a snicker. Anzu was blazing with fury, glaring up at him. "Um, Anzu, why are you looking at me like that...?"

"Grrr...YAMI, I AM NOT YOURS! I AM NO ONE'S, GOT THAT? I REFUSE TO HAVE YOU CALLING ME 'YOURS' WHEN YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY TO THESE SICK FREAKS!" She thrust a finger towards Bakura, and then at a wincing Marik. "GOT IT?"

"Y-yeah..." Yami sputtered, his eyes round as saucers. "Yeah, I got you. C-couldn't be more clear than glass on a dirt road during a rain storm." Anzu smiled, reassured.

"Good. Come on, Yuugi, you and I are going to the library." Yuugi stumbled to his feet and followed her out the lunch room while everyone else watched.

"Hehehe, that was actually kind of funny seeing Anzu pissed like that," Honda said to Jounouchi, who was laughing under his breath.

"Wait a minute," Ryou suddenly spoke up, blinking. "She...does know that glass on a dirt road gets muddy during a rain storm, doesn't she?" He looked up at the Pharaoh, who had a wide, almost evil smirk on his lips. "Uh...I...guess not." _That's creepy to see on Yami's face. _

"You knew she was going to fall for that, didn't you?" Malik dryly queried.

"Of course," Yami replied, turning to the less weaker of the three abious. "I am, after all, one of the smartest Pharaohs in history!" He grinned and walked off with a sign on his back that said, 'I'm gay! Let's hook up!' that Bakura had put there.

"Yeah, he's smart alright," Bakura sarcastically said as Jou and Honda howled with laughter.

After school, Ryou and Yuugi escaped from their yamis to meet at the front gates. Glancing behind them anxiously, they stood shoulder to shoulder, speaking in low voices. "I'm sick of Yami and Bakura telling us we're not manly, Yuugi. I have a plan, but we have to get them and Marik together and pretend we're having a threesome with Anzu. Do you think she'd agree?" Yuugi rubbed the back of his head and then grinned.

"Would she? Of course she would agree! She's pissed at Yami for calling her 'his Anzu,' Bakura for kissing her, and then Marik for threatening her today. I think it's safe to say that she's on our side."

"Who's on your side?" A feminine voice asked curiously. They jumped and tensed, turning quickly, but quickly relaxed at seeing it was the subject of their conversation. They gestured for her to come closer and she did, bending down with Ryou so she could get close to Yuugi. "What are you two talking about?"

"We're going to get back at the yamis for making fools of us," Yuugi whispered, "but we need your help." She nodded slowly and he explained it to her. Her face lit up.

"That...sounds like a BRILLIANT plan."

"So you're in?" Someday suddenly smacked Anzu on the ass and she yelped as she straightened, whipping around to see Bakura laughing. Yami, a few feet behind him, had a red tint to his eyes as he silently fumed.

"BASTARD!" Yami roared at him. Bakura winked at Anzu and then danced away as Yami charged toward him. Anzu glared after the perverted yami.

"I'm definitely in," Anzu agreed.

X

The three yamis wandered down a neighborhood, having gone quiet after bickering with each other the first half of the way there. Anzu had set it up so that she, Yuugi, and Ryou could use Miho's home while she and her family were out. Then, the yamis would overhear Anzu and Miho whisper about a "secret meeting" that Anzu had at their house and subtly mention that Yami and Bakura could never know. Well, Ryou had anticipated on Bakura dragging Marik along with him _without_ Malik and, just as he had suspected, that was exactly what was happening.

"What is this secret meeting at Miho's?" Yami suddenly wondered aloud as a car drove by. "I mean, it's one thing if it's with Miho, but why would Anzu not want me or Bakura to know about it?"

"Obviously it has to do with us," Bakura grunted.

"Maybe Anzu has turned lesbian after you two wouldn't leave her alone," Marik suggested gleefully. "If that's right, I can finally see live, lesbian action! None of that fake shit on porno tapes, but _real_, genuine girl-on-girl action." He let out a sigh of contentment. "It's too bad I don't have a video camera..." Yami and Bakura sent him a bizarre look and he scowled at their expressions. "What? Don't tell me you've never had twisted fantasies."

"I keep them to myself, at least."

Yami gave a nod of agreement.

At last, the three arrived at Miho's house. They went to the front and saw that the living room was dark. "Hmm, do you think we got the date wrong?" Yami whispered to Bakura.

"You half-wit Pharaoh, of course we didn't," the Thief King snapped back quietly. "They were talking about it yesterday and said TOMORROW night. What, did you mix up your intelligence pills with your stupid pills?" Yami gave a growl of warning when Marik interrupted them before any conflict began.

"Let's go around," Marik suggested. The three moved around and saw a light in a window. They hurried to it and there were three sets of low curses, seeing that the curtains were drawn over the window. "Pick the lock, Bakura."

"The window's open, dip shit. I would have to take the screen off."

"Shh," Yami whispered. "I hear someone talking."

"...but Yami and Bakura can _never_ find out," Anzu's voice was saying. The three yamis pressed against the window to listen. They watched the shadows on the curtains, seeing Anzu's curvy shadow. Suddenly, the shape of Yuugi's head came into view and then Ryou's body behind Anzu. The three yamis looked at each other, mouthing, _What the fuck? _

"Don't worry, Anzu," Yuugi reassured her, reaching up, looking to put his hand on her hip. "They'll never figure it out. They never thought we were very manly, anyways, so it works in our favor."

"Yes," Ryou said, "Bakura would never suspect us of doing this. They couldn't possibly imagine the things we have been doing..." He let out a laugh that sounded like Bakura's and then his shadow blended with Anzu's and Yuugi was in front of Anzu, his shadow blending into hers.

"Wh...what are they...?" Yami whispered, a panicked tone in his voice. Then, the shadows separated again and it appeared as though the two abious were stripping Anzu of her clothes. Yuugi knelt down and his head seemed to be bent into Anzu's crotch while Ryou was behind Anzu, doing...something...

"_Holy Ra!_" Marik managed in a choked sound. "Fuck this, I don't want to see this! Let's get out of here!"

"Anzu...They've been violating Anzu for...for who knows how long!"

"Get your ass up," Bakura growled. He and Marik had to literally drag Yami away from the window and they fled the scene of what they considered a revolting moral crime.

X

"I think they're gone," Anzu whispered. The play of shadows was deceptive to what Yuugi and Ryou were actually doing. Anzu had two sets of clothes on so that it would look like she was getting naked, even though she hadn't been. And, although Ryou had been pressed against Anzu's back, it hadn't been what the three spying perverts had believed it to be. Yuugi left and peeked out the window. He gave thumbs up to the two and they sighed with relief. "We totally fooled them!" The three jumped up and down and high-fived, impressed with themselves.

"I bet Yami's crying now," Ryou said with a grin. "Did you hear him? He said we were _violating_ you!" The three of them laughed.

"That was great..." Anzu sighed when the three of them had collapsed on the ground from laughter. "Well, let's finish our homework and go to sleep. I can't wait to see how they treat us tomorrow!"

X

Bakura was pissed. There was no other way to describe how he was feeling. Ever since he had trapped their minds in the RPG board pieces, Bakura had wanted to get Anzu in bed. Frankly, he had been softer on her than he would have been on most women while on his hunt for the Sennen Items. After all, he had been more than willing to send Isis to the Shadow Realm. As for Anzu, he had wanted to at least get a taste of her first.

Now, he was debating on whether he should personally confront the fact that his ABIOU of all people had gotten laid by Anzu before he did or just pretend that none of it was happening. _There's the little bastard now, _Bakura thought, seeing Yuugi, Anzu, and Ryou walking towards the school. _Grr, how dare he! He even slept over with them! _

"I think I'm going to vomit," Yami moaned from beside him.

"Stop being a pansy," Marik snapped. Malik, beside him, eyed the three nervous yamis mildly. "You didn't HAVE to go and see that."

"NEITHER DID YOU, BUT YOU DID ANYWAY!" Yami roared.

"You know, Yami, if I had had a nickel on me when I met your mom, I would have been your daddy." Bakura and Malik tried not to laugh as Yami's face turned bright red and he looked close to beating the shit out of the yami across from him.

"If the sight of your sister didn't make me go limp in the pants, I might be your brother-in-law with the way she pants at my heels," Yami shot back.

"Hey!" Malik warned. "Don't be dissin' my family. You're the reason we're so fucked up."

"Oh, is that why I see you sniffing my dirty clothes? I wondered why all of those in the Ishtar family were so obsessed about me..."

"Only I'm allowed to bash my abiou!" Marik snarled, taking a step towards Yami.

"Yeah, in the ass..." Bakura exploded in laughter while Marik and Malik turned murderous glares to Yami. Malik was briefly deterred by a cheery voice being called to him.

"Hi, Malik!" Anzu called, waving.

"Hi – "

"Hey, whore!" Marik called back unthinkingly. He blinked. "Oh, shit. Oops."

"You dumbass, Marik!" Bakura snapped. He shot Marik a withering look and then stalked over to the three happy trio with Yami on his heels. Malik watched blankly, totally unaware of what had supposedly taken place last night at Miho's house. "Alright, abiou, you have fucked me over for the last time!"

"I never have before, so how could I for a last time?" Ryou questioned reasonably.

"...Shut the hell up!" He glared at Anzu. "You are a whore."

"At least I get paid, unlike a certain man-slut who gives it away for free," Anzu responded sweetly. Bakura's mouth pursed as he ground his teeth together.

"Anzu! I have learned the most awful thing!" Yami tearfully said, taking Anzu's hands. "Is it true that you do..._things_...with Yuugi and Ryou that you have never even thought of doing with me?" He bowed his head. "I thought you loved me, Anzu! I thought I was more manly and you would want me. It's the only reason I have acted so macho like..." He began crying, his shoulders shaking. Anzu's face twisted with guilt.

"Yami...I'm sorry, I didn't know..." She paused. "It's just...Yuugi really knows the place to put his finger."

(UTTER SILENCE…………..)

Malik, who had come over to listen with his yami, had frozen in shock, his usually healthy tan skin turning an unnatural shade of green. Bakura looked ill and Yami...well, he was shocked. Marik seemed to be passing between horrified and disgusted and unable to decide which he should be.

"I'm...going to pretend I never heard that," Malik said, turning and going inside the school to recover his senses. Anzu smiled at the three males that were staring at her.

"Well, bye! I'm glad you guys know now." Yuugi and Ryou followed her and all three glanced back to see Marik and Bakura trying to snap Yami awake.

_Reason Two:...But if you can fool all three of them, they tend to be a little _less_ annoying than before._

X

DIS: Yes, I know, more vulgarity. But that was a warning in the summary! And about that mini vibrator pod – it actually DOES exist. I was reading this month's Cosmopolitan and it was an article of erotic things to do with your cell phone and that was one of those. Needless to say, it does sound interesting, but probably expensive. Anyway, please leave a review on your way out – anything works, even a 'You're disgusting' is fine, lol. Till next time. Ciao!


	3. Reason Three

DIS: Hey! Thanks for all of the reviews! (smile) I'm glad that everyone likes this. It will get a little cleaner from here on...Who knows why I had a burst of perverse humor? (oO) Anyway, here's the next chapter – enjoy!

X

_Reason Three: You might be able to lie, but your yami can lie even better. After all, he's your darkness. _

A few days after the rather horrendous incident that had, more or less, mentally scarred Malik (something that had happened once already), Bakura felt that there was something about The Incident that didn't settle right in his stomach. Of course, it could have been something he had eaten since he was always picking things up and putting them in his mouth: rocks, strange coloured objects, strange _shaped_ objects – anything that would go down his throat. However, he always went to the doctor after eating something he knew that he shouldn't have, so he suspected that it wasn't that. There was something about The Incident that was fake...

"Do you think we're being cheated?" Bakura asked Marik in the boy's locker room after gym class. The more psychotic and more perverted of the two glanced to Bakura with his bored gaze, scrubbing at his wet hair with a towel. He and Bakura had a towel wrapped around their waist after having showered from the twelve-minute run.

"In gym?" Marik asked. He frowned to himself, saying, "Yes...Now that I think about it, how do we have a bad grade in this class when we do so well on the fitness tests? There's something strange about that. Hmm...Let's lynch the teacher and see if it has any effect on him, eh?" Bakura, too, was thinking about this, momentarily sidetracked from what he had originally been speaking of.

"Later on," he agreed, shaking his head to dismiss the thoughts for the time being. "I'm talking about that whore and her two wannabe males."

Marik's face twisted into an ugly expression and he slapped his towel over his face and shoved his head in his locker, making deep breathing sounds. Bakura watched him silently, a bit freaked out. After a minute or so of this, Marik emerged, his expression as bored as ever. "I'm sorry, I was hyperventilating. I hope you don't mind."

"Uh...No...Just give me some warning before that."

Marik smirked. "I don't give warnings. Anyway, what were you saying about them?"

"I think it was all a sham. I mean, how can _Yuugi_ of all people have found the right place to put his finger? I don't think he knows that fingers are even used to make a woman moan! Yami at least knows _that_ much." Marik shoved the towel he had been using for his hair in his locker and shook his head, his hair springing out back to its original shape.

"Yes...The midgets must die. But what to use...?"

"We can't kill them yet. We don't even know if – " He paused, hearing the subjects of their conversation talking. He put a finger to his lips and then gestured. He and Marik crept around the lockers to the end of the locker room where Ryou and Yuugi were.

"...and they haven't bothered us or Anzu ever since!" Ryou was snickering. "It's like _we_ whipped _them_!" He and Yuugi howled with laughter while Bakura's lip curled in a silent snarl. Marik put a hand over his mouth just in case he was thinking of spewing any profanities. "Oh, if they only knew that it was all an act..."

"I can't believe they believe that _we_ would do a _threesome!_" Yuugi said with a giggle. "I mean, _us!_ We would never disrespect a woman or ourselves like that." Marik and Bakura rolled their eyes, gagging to themselves. "...Hey, Ryou?"

"Yeah, Yuugi?"

"What, uh...what did Anzu mean about me putting my finger in the right place? I mean, where would I put it? – in her mouth?" The two yamis fled then, dashing through naked teenage boys to get back to their lockers. When there, they exploded into laughter, a bit surprised at the boy's complete naïveté.

"Ah...I cannot believe that Yami never taught that idiot anything!" Marik said with a smirk.

"Speaking of the half-brained Pharaoh..." Bakura slowly murmured, his lips curling mischievously. "I have an ingenious plan to make it so that the whole school will regret them messing with us. Mind you, it could tatter our reputations a bit and they might not believe it at first, but I think that we can hold up long enough to let the damage be done. Besides, it will be worth it."

"You have my attention, thief. No doubt the Pharaoh will be interested in revenge, as well."

"Oh, I believe he will be quite willing to get his revenge. Some of the things he did to Kaiba were juvenile, but it worked at pissing the CEO off."

"Didn't he stalk Kaiba for a whole week until he got the police sent on him?"

Bakura laughed. "Ah, yes! Kaiba didn't sleep for three of the days that he was being stalked. Who would think that Yami would actually be a somewhat decent stalker?" He paused to snap his towel off and start getting dressed, formulating the plan in his head. Beside him, Marik was taking his time in dressing, and kept glancing around. "What the hell are you doing?" Bakura finally asked, too curious to figure it out himself.

"Oh, putting on a show for all the fags. I figure, seeing a hot body like mine, I shouldn't leave them unsatisfied." Bakura stared at him for a long moment and Marik stared back, appearing as if they were simply having a normal conversation. After a moment, Bakura was aware that he was dressed and talking to his naked friend.

"Just put some clothes on, you freak!"

"I might be a freak," Marik stated as he dressed, "but you're the one who can't get laid by Mazaki. I mean, _seriously_, how hard can it be?" Bakura's expression flattened and once Marik was dressed and they both were ready to leave, he slapped the blonde hard across the head. Marik merely laughed, running ahead of him out of the locker room.

When they were gone, one of the boys said, "They _must_ be dating or something. Did you see how long it took Ishtar to get dressed? It's like he was performing a peep show for Bakura..."

"Mmm," his friend nodded in agreement, taking his time dressing.

Meanwhile, Yami was sitting outside in the courtyard, skipping class and doodling when his nemesis walked by. Lately, he had taken to ignoring Kaiba since they rarely even talked anymore and therefore, the Pharaoh wasn't that annoyed by him. However, his doodles (which were his memory of seeing "his" Anzu and the two abious together) had pissed him off and he was looking for a fight. He sprung to his feet and called, "Kaiba!" Surprisingly, the CEO stopped and looked at him with his normal, bored expression. "Listen...I think you and I need to have a talk."

"About what?" Kaiba demanded, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. "Yami, I don't – "

"You see, I went through a very hard life, Kaiba," Yami explained solemnly. This wasn't quite what he had stopped Kaiba for, but it would work with relieving his stress anyway. "Everyone expects me to be manly and to save the world and to come to their rescue...I've gone through many hardships. I almost killed Yuugi by becoming power obsessed, I've put my friends in countless danger, and my past keeps coming up to ruin my present and future. The truth is that I need someone special, Kaiba, someone that I know can make me happy..." He sighed. "But the person I love seems to have no idea that I love them and they treat me awful, beating my emotions to tiny pieces. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore." He sniffled and wiped his face.

Kaiba, who had stood frozen in spot during Yami's speech, looked rather ill. His grip on his briefcase was too tight, causing his knuckles to become white and there was a very tight look on his face. "Yami..." He slowly said, sounding as if he were choking on his own voice.

"Yes?"

"This is going to come as somewhat of a surprise...But even though you've never seen me with a woman, I am _quite _straight. I don't really give a shit if I hurt your feelings by saying that, but it's the truth. So, please...Stay away from me and don't try anything – _especially in public_."

"What the hell are you talking about, Kaiba?" Yami asked blankly. His brows knitted together and then his face cleared in outrage. "Are you implying that I am _gay _and am attracted to you?"

"I'm doing more than implying it. _You _just confessed your feelings to me!" Well, now Kaiba sounded unnerved and close to hysterical.

"_I was talking about Anzu, you idiot!_" Yami howled, mortified. "Even if I were a woman, I wouldn't be attracted to you! Get away from me! I think it was pretty obvious who I was talking about – you're the gay one, not me!" Kaiba's face twisted into ugly disgust and for a moment, Yami was certain he might attack him (or violate him, he wasn't sure which,) but just then Marik and Bakura appeared behind Kaiba, looking from the tall male to Yami in interest.

"What's going on here? You lover boys having a quarrel?" Bakura teased.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Yami and Kaiba roared at the same time. They shot each other dirty looks and then Kaiba shoved past, storming towards the school. Yami growled after him with Marik and Bakura watching it all without comment. When the doors slammed shut behind him, Yami turned around and cast sullen looks towards the two other yamis, muttering, "What do you two want? Don't you have something better to do than annoy me?" His eyes flashed and he straightened. "Or do you have something to tell me?" He grabbed Marik. "You're abiou better not have touched Anzu, Marik, or his ass is grass! I'm not even sure what that means, but it is grass! Oh, it _will_ be grass!"

"Would you shut up, you psychotic dip weed?" Marik growled, shoving him away. "Bakura thinks that we've been cheated by yours and his abiou, not to mention your precious bitch. Besides, Malik has been too traumatized by Anzu to even get close enough to her to do that."

"Humph, it's probably just a ruse to make us think that he can't get close to her." Yami paused, blinking. "And what's this you mean, cheated? It looked genuine enough to me!"

"If those curtains hadn't been there," Bakura said, holding up a finger, "what would we have really saw? You can work shadows anyway you want to! I would know, I've done it several times myself when I was a thief in Egypt. Yes...People would think I was on the other side of the room, when really I was right behind them! It gave me the perfect opportunity to just pull my arrow and – BAM! – hit 'em in the head. And then there was this time that I – "

"I don't care!" Yami spat impatiently. "I had to deal with your stupid ass in Egypt! Are you forgetting? I was Pharaoh! I had to deal with the soldiers when they came whining to me with their tails between their legs! Now, would you just explain yourself and stop ranting about the past? I was alive then, too, you know!"

"Why don't you both shut up and stop ranting _period_ so that we can actually talk about this so-called brilliant plan that Bakura has thought up?" Marik snarled.

"Fine, fine. I see no reason why not."

"Good," Bakura replied. "As I was saying...since what we only saw were shadows and since our abious haven't really been acting like Anzu's lovers as you would expect them to, I have been thinking that it was all an act just to put us off and because our abious' egos were wounded. So! Here's my plan: we act gay."

"You already act gay."

"Shut up! Your skinny ass acts gay."

"Wait a minute," Marik interrupted them. "How will this get revenge on them?" His eyes narrowed into slits, peering at Bakura suspiciously. "You just want to grope us, don't you? Tsk...I never thought it would be you, Bakura. Yami or Malik, but never you."

"Because, idiot, Yuugi and Ryou won't believe it at first and treat it more or less indifferently. If we convince the school before we convince them, we can make it seem like they're gay. They are more likely to believe that they are gay than us, but if we hit on them..."

"But what about afterward?"

"We pretend it never happened. It won't stick on our names because we're so bad ass and can kick anyone's ass. It _will_, though, stick on _their_ names." Bakura gave a smirk, rather proud of his conclusion. He wasn't eager to act gay with them, especially since Marik sometimes freaked him out and Yami was just...He was just too much of a skinny chicken shit, not to mention gross. Nonetheless, he couldn't wait to see the school torture Yuugi and Ryou by calling them gay. It would be nice when the gay boys in their school actually came out of the closet and started hitting on them. Ahh...That would be the happiest day of his life.

"I don't know," Yami muttered despite his companions' reluctant willingness. "What if it backfires on us?"

"_Why_ would it backfire on us?" Marik demanded with a roll of his eyes. "Nobody thinks _we're_ gay. The women love us, we love the women, and we're too much of perverts to be mistaken for being fags. Like Bakura said, we'll just kick their asses if they think we're gay."

"What if everyone thinks that?"

"Then we kick everyone's ass. Yami, stop being a moron and just agree. If you want to be a pansy, then fine!"

"But Kaiba just accused me of being gay!" He whined. "He thinks I'm in love with him because I was talking about Anzu, but he didn't know it. I don't want him getting the wrong idea! And besides that, if Anzu thinks I'm gay, then I lose her!"

"If Anzu thinks you're gay," Bakura pointed out, "she'll love you. Chicks love gay guys. You get to grope them and they don't give a shit because they think it doesn't turn you on." Yami stared at Bakura with a slack expression and gradually, his face lit up with mischief. Marik and Bakura grinned, knowing that they had the Pharaoh in the palm of their hand. "So! Let's get practicing. What do gay guys do that we don't?"

"Umm...They talk like girls," Yami offered, "and flip their hands a lot." The three of them stared at their hands and then tried to flip it, looking at each other in utter bafflement. "I don't know...That doesn't look quite right."

"Bakura, you really should have thought this through," Marik growled. "We don't know anything about being gay!"

"All you do is complain! You sound like my mother!" Bakura snapped.

And so they began their training to act gay. The next day, although they were still incredibly squeamish about touching another guy in any other way than they were accustomed to, they knew that a lot of touching would have to be in order to get everyone to think they were gay. Bakura was reconsidering the intelligence on his plan when they walked onto campus, especially since he saw the back of Anzu and wanted to flip her skirt _sooo_ bad. It had become a daily ritual in his mind and his hands twitched.

"You look like a chipmunk," Marik commented. His abiou, beside him, looked gloomy and seemed to be seeing through everyone. "Malik, snap out of it or I'm going to have to violate you!" That snapped the blonde Ishtar out of his trance, as his yami had never threatened this before. His eyebrows knitted together as his eyes bugged out in utter disturbance. When he peered over at his yami, him and Bakura were giving him deranged, almost seductive smiles.

"I...think I'll go walk somewhere else," he slowly told them, hurrying away anxiously. When he was gone, Marik and Bakura scowled and looked at each other.

"Oh, look, a prospect," Yami commented, nodding to a boy that was chatting to another boy. He rubbed his hands and took in a deep breath. "Okay...I'm going to be bold, like always, just in a different way." He turned to his companions, explaining, "It makes me feel less disgusted with who I've become in the past day." The two blinked and watched as he strolled over to the boy, pasting a smile on his face. Both of their eyes popped out of their skull when Yami greeted the guy by slapping his ass.

"_What the fuck is he doing??_" Marik managed. The boy whipped around, red-faced and then strangely relaxed at seeing Yami. Bakura and Marik exchanged a nervous look as the boy leaned into a befuddled Pharaoh, saying something underneath his breath. The boy reached around, rubbing Yami's own butt.

"Oh, no," Bakura muttered, snickering despite himself. Yami quickly said something and ran back to Marik and Bakura, looking pale.

"Let's go inside!" He snapped at them. The three hurried inside, past the boy who sent a sly grin their way. As they walked down the hall, Yami clutched his head, groaning, "Can you believe it? The one guy I pick out and he was _gay!_ How do you _tell _these things? I can't hit on only the people I know, because I'm not trying to convince _them_ yet!"

"Don't pick the wimps, then," Bakura said, rolling his eyes. "Pick the ones surrounded by girls or are really macho." He paused and scanned the crowds in the hall. He found a tall, muscular student that looked to be in sports. Marik's eyes followed his and he simply shook his head, smirking. "Watch me make this one squirm." He flipped his hair over his shoulder, an unknowingly feminine gesture and then sauntered over to the macho boy. Marik and Yami discreetly moved closer so that they could listen.

The boy glanced up at Bakura, startled, and the thief felt his stomach clench with revulsion as he leaned close to him, one of his hands braced against the wall. "Hey there," he purred. _Pretend he's a girl, pretend he's a girl, pretend he's a girl, _he chanted in his head. The boy transformed into a fat girl with beady eyes. _AHH! Pretend he's Anzu, pretend he's Anzu, pretend he's Anzu! _He transformed into Anzu and Bakura relaxed at that. _Much better! _"You want to get away from all these losers and have some fun somewhere?" He smiled and leaned dangerously close. "Maybe an empty classroom?"

"Umm..." The boy stared up at him, looking both repulsed and interested at the same time.

_Please tell me I didn't choose a bisexual idiot. _Bakura quickly eyed him. _No, he's straight, alright. Ah, damn, I'm just too good looking for my own good. _He pulled away and said with a wink, "Come and find me when you figure it out." At that, he walked away with the two yamis following. Once they were some ways away from that hall, his expression transformed into a glower. "Why is it that even straight guys are going for their own gender these days? Obviously _we're_ not, but the rest of the mortal race is."

"It's just because we're too hot, Bakura," Marik said with a shake of his head, feigning sadness. "Not only do we turn on girls, but we make guys get hard."

"I bet you jack off to your own picture, Marik," Yami remarked from the other side of the tomb robber. "Either that or you hump a giant, framed picture of yourself. Yes, I can see it now...You set up candles for a special night, buy wine, and seduce your picture and make out with it and the whole works. Only you would go through that much work just to get a picture of yourself in bed."

"Shut the fuck up, Yami! You're just jealous because you can't get laid!" Marik smirked, pausing as Yami did. Bakura sighed and was forced to stop and turn to look at them. "You want to do all these weird, fucked-up positions with Mazaki, but unfortunately, you barely have anything between your legs from having Kaiba giving you blow jobs all the time. He's sucked it all away – or what was there in the beginning." Marik made sucking sounds, cackling as Yami growled, his face darkening in rage.

_Here we go, _Bakura thought sarcastically. Suddenly, though, someone barreled into Marik, knocking him into Yami. Yami let out an angry stream of Egyptian as he was tossed to the ground. Marik whirled around angrily to see someone bowed. His face lit up at being bowed to and he folded his arms across his chest and said, "Well!" in a proud tone of voice.

"Marik..." The figure straightened, revealing a boy that looked more like a girl with his shoulder-length hair. "I know that you and Bakura are dating, but...but I want you for myself!" Marik's self-centered grin dropped from his face and he went a shade of green while Bakura stared at the boy, hearing the pounding of blood in his head. Yami, on the floor, was laughing his ass off.

"You..." Marik began, but Bakura quickly found his wits and jumped in, slamming him to the wall.

"Wait!" He hissed. "This is what we wanted, remember?"

"Bakura, I don't think this came from today or even yesterday!" He snarled back. "Someone's been thinking we were gay this whole time! Ohhh, no wonder none of these girls would fuck me. It's because they all think I'm doing you up the ass." Bakura glared at him, more than a little irritated with his wording. "I can't talk to you anymore, you ruin my reputation."

"Would you shut up? If you want to get back at my abiou and Yuugi, this will win it. Everyone's watching and gossip spreads like wildfire. Now, are you in or out? I can do this without you, you know." Marik gave him a dirty look and then nodded his head grimly. "Good, now stop being a stupid jackass for once in your pathetic existence." He withdrew and Marik straightened, looking to the boy that had declared his intentions towards him.

"Usually," Bakura drawled, "I wouldn't care since I like to have a lot of boyfriends at once." Everyone in the hall stared at him in disbelief. "But Marik happens to be my favorite." Marik twitched and then inched close to Bakura, almost cuddling with him. "Therefore, if you continue to pursue him, little boy...I will have to kill you."

"Him and his brother are so beautiful, though!" The boy wailed. "Malik doesn't even know I exist!"

"Whoa, this has to do with Malik, too?" Marik muttered and then snickered. "Nice. I can't wait to tell him." He raised his voice and said to the boy, "I would suggest you go to my brother, instead. To be honest, I never knew you existed, either, _so_..."

The boy nodded glumly and backed into the crowds. Yami, on his feet, raised his hands and cheerfully called to everyone, "There's nothing to see here! Back away, back away!" He turned to the two that had parted and were pushing their way through the crowds. He followed, almost skipping. "That was great! What perfect timing. Who would think that people have been saying you two are dating? I suppose you are a little close."

"How much you wanna bet that people are saying you want Kaiba's balls?" Bakura questioned snidely over his shoulder. Yami blinked and then sulked, his lips puckered in a pout. The three hurried to class just as the bell rang, glad to finally get away from all the student bodies pressing in on them.

At lunch, they met outside the cafeteria and waited until the halls cleared a bit. Marik opened the bottle of pop he had bought and took a drink from it, glancing inside the cafeteria. "So...How should we do this, Bakura? I say that Yami hits on Ryou and you hit on Yuugi. I see no reason why I should get involved." Bakura glared at him.

"I've been doing most of the work. You two can do this and you better not fuck it up! If you do, I'm going to shove poles so far up your asses that your heads will burst!" Yami grimaced, looking to rub his butt. Bakura's mouth twisted into an unpleasantly evil grin. Marik gave him a dirty look, but drank most of his pop and handed the rest to Bakura, who drank the rest. "Are we ready?"

"No," Yami mumbled, "but it's not as if _you_ care."

"You're right; I don't. Now shut the hell up and start acting gay." He shoved Yami into the cafeteria and the other two followed. "Next time I ever suggest pretending to be gay, would you please just slit my throat? This has been the most idiotic plans I've ever gone through with."

"Really? With as long as you have been alive, that's saying a lot," Marik commented as Bakura threw the pop bottle away. They were approaching the table and noticed that Malik was missing. Ryou and Yuugi, however, were present, along with everyone else. Bakura nodded to Marik and Yami, who reluctant went over to the two abious and draped their arms around them, Yami with Ryou, Marik with Yuugi.

"Uhh..." Jou stared at them, his brown eyes wide with surprise. "You guys not tellin' us somethin' dat we should know?"

"Since when did you get so cuddly with Marik, Yuugi?" Anzu questioned, a politely puzzled look on her face. She seemed to be the only one not jumping to any conclusion.

"I, um, didn't know that – " Yuugi began to sputter, but was cut off by Marik pressing his face into his neck. His entire face went blood red with embarrassment and Anzu, who had been holding a cookie, dropped it and stared at them. Yami was practically sitting in Ryou's lap, but the British male appeared as if this had happened several times to him before (which it probably had,) looking uncomfortable nonetheless.

"Are you guys...okay?"

"Ryou and Yuugi didn't tell you?" Marik asked in his silky, Egyptian voice. He slipped a hand over Yuugi's small torso, saying, "Even if they have been sleeping with you, Mazaki, they've been putting their hands in our pants for far longer. It always did turn me on to see Yuugi in pain. Why else would I have tortured him in Battle City?"

"I...BEG YOUR PARDON?"

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, Anzu," Yami sighed dramatically, "but I had to cover up what Ryou and I were doing. Bakura even watched sometimes since we always met at his house." Anzu turned to Bakura, a shocked expression on her face. The others at the table couldn't even find words for what was happening before their eyes.

"You're _gay?_" She choked out. "You guys _can't_ be gay! I mean..." She hesitated. "Well, Malik _did_ go off alone with that boy, so I guess...but..." She glanced at Yuugi uncomfortably. "I thought you hated the way they treated you, Yuugi. Isn't that why we - ?"

"Anzu, I – " Marik put his fingers to his lips and Yuugi went silent, staring at the fingers with an alarmed expression.

"So," a familiar voice drawled. Everyone looked up at Seto Kaiba, who was staring at Yami with a chilly gaze. "You _are _gay. That explains why you took so much enjoyment in stalking me that week. What else did you do that I don't know, Yami? Sniff my dirty clothes?"

"Wh-what? No!" Yami yelped. Marik glared at him warningly and Yami swallowed, quickly saying, "I, um, only do that to Ryou's clothes."

"Bloody hell," came a muffled response.

"Dude, I really could've gone without knowing all of this," Honda exclaimed in the silence that came.

_Reason Two:...But sometimes their lies can work _too_ well for their own comfort._

X

DIS: Heh...How does Anzu feel about them supposedly being gay? Ah, poor Yami. He's got Kaiba and the woman of his dreams thinking he's gay. Well, please leave a review telling me how you like it. Ciao!


	4. Reason Four

DIS: I seriously forgot about this story! Then, I was looking through my files to see what I needed to update and stared at this file for a moment before jerking forward, realizing how long I had left it sitting there. In any case, I had written the first two pages and finally got to finishing it. Glad y'all think this is funny; thanks for the reviews. Enjoy the long-awaited fourth chapter!

X

_Reason Four: Yamis tend to always mess up your life, even without trying the majority of the time. It's when they try that you really want to strangle them._

Yuugi could feel the gazes of several of his fellow students on his neck and felt his cheeks redden. Just a few days ago, Marik had been cuddling up to him and Ryou had to endure Yuugi's own yami on his lap! What was worse was that the day after this incident, they had returned to their normal selves and none of the school was staring at _them!_ Oh, no, instead they were staring at him and Ryou instead!

He didn't feel too bad, though, because the third abiou of their group, Malik, was being tortured, as well. He had been what got Yami out of Ryou's lap and Marik off of him. He came screaming into the cafeteria, looking as if there was an anaconda after him. As Yuugi reflected on it, Marik's amused expression made him wonder if it wasn't something he had arranged that had put Malik in such a state. He never told them what happened, but Anzu eventually calmed him down.

_I'm really not gay, _Yuugi wanted to tell the people that stared at him as he walked down the hall. _I like women! I don't really date, but I do like women! I used to have a crush on Anzu for goodness sake! _Somehow, he doubted that him telling about a past crush would help elevate their suspicions.

Although the rest of the school had forgotten about the yamis' rather gay actions, their group hadn't, especially Anzu. Malik, who hadn't been present during this time, but had gotten a glimpse of it, had refused to speak of it and was pretending that he had never seen it and that they were as straight as they had been beforehand.

Yuugi walked into class and smiled at Ryou wearily, settling beside him. One of the boys in their class laughed and said, "Fags!" and returned to what he was doing. Yuugi sent a sullen look to him, but Ryou simply said, "Don't worry about it, Yuugi, I'm sure the rumors will go away eventually. You know how things are. I've been thinking about it and based on how Bakura is still acting and how obviously straight he is, I think it was all a dirty trick they played on us for what we did."

"You mean they figured it out?" Yuugi queried, instantly forgetting about being called a fag. "How?"

"Who knows? You're forgetting that we're dealing with two five-thousand year old spirits and one incredibly brilliant yami that came from Malik, who practically manipulated Battle City to his liking. They're not stupid, Yuugi, no matter how immature they might act." Ryou sighed, propped his arm up and placing his chin on his hand. "If we tricked them back, they would just do something worse. I'm just bloody pissed that they didn't get their reputations ripped to shreds like we did."

"I'm unhappy, Ryou," Yuugi mumbled.

"Join the club."

Three pairs of eyes that had been peering in the classroom that Ryou and Yuugi were in withdrew and the yamis trailed away from the classroom, a bit disappointed that they weren't jumping up and down in jubilation for the abious misery like they had been expecting. If anything, they had shot themselves in the foot, too. Kaiba refused to so much as look at Yami, Malik knew that Marik had sent the boy after him and had set up several little traps throughout the house for him, and Bakura couldn't tease Anzu anymore because she refused to associate with him on the basis that she wasn't sure what his sexuality was. (This went for Yami, too.)

"I hate your plans," Yami growled at Bakura. "You're an idiot. We should have talked to Malik and had him make a plan. He's smarter than you are. You don't even have any As on your report card!"

"You cheat!" Bakura snapped back. "You copy off of Yuugi's work! And I _would_ have an A in gym, but the damn teacher is against me or something. I always dress down and participate. You, however, are lazy and barely run when we're playing soccer."

"Why should I chase after a stupid ball? It's ridiculous and juvenile and I am Pharaoh! Pharaohs do not chase after balls for no apparent reason."

"Oh, Pharaohs chase after balls," Marik put in, "just not fake, plastic ones." He flashed a smirk towards Yami, who gave him a dark look in return.

"And," he added sullenly, returning his gaze to Bakura, "I refuse to sweat. It's disgusting."

"Guess that means whoever you eventually manage to get in bed with you is going to be disappointed."

"YOU KNOW WHAT – " Yami exploded, turning to Marik. He never finished his sentence, because both Marik and Bakura were gaping at him as he lifted Marik off the ground. It is to be noted that Yami is not a particularly tall person, nor is he rather muscular. He also hated to be stared at in the manner in which they were. If anything, his temper became even more violent and he roared, "WHAT ARE YOU TWO STARING AT ME FOR?"

"Well..." Marik said, clearing his throat, "My feet can't reach the floor and you have sticks for arms, if you haven't noticed."

Bakura groaned, pressing a hand to his forehead. "Idiot."

Luckily, Yami was not given the chance to attack Marik as he most likely was about to do as a tan hand came and snatched the back of his shirt, pulling him away. The three yamis looked up to see Marik's abiou, Malik, staring at them with a blank expression. It was directed straight at Marik. Recalling some of the more vicious traps that had been set up in the bathroom and Marik's own bedroom, the yami grimaced and forced a normal, gruff tone to his voice as he grumbled, "What are you looking at?"

"A sad man," Malik immediately returned, as though he had counted on Marik saying that and had developed an answer. Yami's jaw dropped a bit as he turned his head to stare up at Malik. Bakura and Marik exchanged nervous looks. Somehow, Malik had learned that by throwing the male admirer on him, Marik had saved both his own and Bakura's ass. Lately, Malik had been giving some rather...disturbing...black looks towards the two yamis. He pointedly avoided looking at Yami, for reasons they were sure had to do with seeing him cuddled against Ryou.

Malik released Yami and crossed his arms, stating, "The four of us need to have a talk." He smiled, slow and smooth and normal-like...except for that dark look in his eyes.

"Er...I have to, um, do something..." Yami said, inching away. Once again Malik caught hold of him.

"Shut up, pharaoh, or I'll be forced to make up some very nasty rumors that will creep Kaiba out even more than he already is." The short pharaoh's face turned sullen and he grew slack in Malik's grip. The younger male released him and folded his arms over his chest once again, looking to each of them with a sharp gaze. "Now, listen. While developing torture methods and placing them in my house, I have been thinking..." Marik's eyed had bugged out while Malik had been speaking. "...and have concluded that a subtle war has transpired between you three morons and Ryou and Yuugi. Maybe Anzu is included in it – I'm not sure. And then, while I was walking back to my room to make new plans for new torture methods that I would work while a certain person is asleep – " Marik looked a bit ill. His usually healthy skin tone had turned pale and a bit green. " – I realized that you three had found something out that I do not know. So, as I set to work on vengeance, I decided to confront you three and discover what it is that you're hiding. It must involve Ryou and Yuugi."

"Very well, Malik," Bakura grunted, flicking a concerned look to Marik. Yami was even staring at him uncomfortably, both wondering if he was about to faint or be sick in the hallway. "We decided that Ryou and Yuugi had not had a threesome with Mazaki and made ourselves look gay and hit on them so the school would think _they _were gay."

"That...is the stupidest idea I've ever heard." He suddenly looked at Yami. "Was it your idea?"

"No," Yami responded with great dignity, holding his head up high and brushing some of his bangs with a hand, looking quite like a young rajah of India. "_I _would not think of such a demeaning plan." Malik glanced uncertainly at Bakura, who simply stared at him with a bored stare.

"Please tell me _you_ didn't think of such an idiotic plan."

A nerve worked in Bakura's jaw.

"I mean, really! You had to have known that would backfire!"

"I actually said it would," Yami put in helpfully, "but they told me to shut up. They had some ridiculous notion that we were too good looking for it to backfire. Of course, we _are_ good looking, but we haven't been very good people – well, they haven't – and the gods were sure to take a hand in it."

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP, YAMI?" Bakura snarled. He put his hands on his hips and glowered down at Malik, being a bit taller than him. He did a nice job of sneering down his nose at him, even though technically Malik was higher on the food chain than an ex-tomb robber. "Thank you for giving me an opinion I _did not ask for_, Malik. If Yami hadn't fucked things up with Kaiba _before_ all of this had happened and the stupid mortals hadn't somehow gotten it into their heads that Marik and I were gay in the first place, then it _wouldn't_ have backfired." He gave a satisfied sniff. "So there."

For a long moment, no one said anything. Distantly, the ring of the first bell could be heard, signaling that there would be five minutes before class started. Malik simply stared at Bakura. Marik seemed to have been knocked out of his horrified stupor by Bakura's rant and was looking at him as well, along with Yami, who appeared to be insulted.

"When did you become stupid?" Malik finally asked, sounding sincerely surprised by this development. Bakura growled. "No, seriously, Bakura. When did you lose all intelligence. I used to have an iota of respect for you. You've become as bad as Yami."

"Well, I have news for you, Malik. I've never had any respect for your scrawny ass," Bakura spat temperamentally. "I always wondered why you went prancing around with Anzu and grew your hair out as long as you did." He eyed him. "And you know what? Now that I think about it, you used to always show off your stomach and all that jewelry you wore...Don't you think that's a little suspicious?" Malik's eyes flashed with unsuppressed fury, as he had just recently been hit on by a guy. "And I might be as stupid as Yami, but _you're_ not even that smart! Hahaha!"

"This is really unfair!" Yami complained while Bakura was laughing. "You all make me out as some kind of moron!"

"You are a moron!" Marik snapped, slapping him upside the head. Yami glowered at him.

"Well, _I _still think that we should have asked for Malik to make a plan for us," he declared, bringing Bakura and Malik's attention to him. "I've not only lost a perfectly good nemesis that I could enjoy banter with, but I've lost the woman of my dreams all because of Bakura."

"Hey!" The thief indignantly protested. "Don't think that I didn't lose something, too! I could have easily gotten laid by Mazaki, but _nooo_ – everything had to go wrong!"

"Well, whose fault is that?" Malik sarcastically questioned.

"Keep out of this, you!" Bakura whirled to him, pointing a finger in his face. "I've had enough of your smartass comments."

"At least he gets his As by working himself," Yami muttered.

"Whose side are you on?" Marik angrily demanded.

All the time they were arguing, people were passing them to get into the classroom. Many of them sent frightened looks, knowing these four to be rather...violent, not to mention insane. A few people were standing across from them, watching and listening with an interested expression. They might not completely understand what was going on, but anything coming from the three yamis was trusted to be amusing. It should be a safe assumption that if any of them had known they were viewed as circus attractions, the arguments would end and physical fighting would begin. And, since three of them had rather good muscles and one of them trained in killing people with knives and other sorts of equipment, that would be a fight none of the spectators could afford.

Unbeknownst to them, Anzu Mazaki was in this classroom and paused before them, listening to their conversation. Unlike the others, who knew nothing of what had happened between them and Yuugi Mutou's group, she comprehended exactly what they were saying. Her face slowly turned pink with an unholy, female temper.

"ARE YOU SAYING," she said in a loud voice that halted the four arguing voices, "THAT YOU DID ALL OF THAT JUST TO GET BACK AT YUUGI AND RYOU...?"

"Oh, shit," was all Marik said.

"Well, at least she doesn't think we're gay," Yami cheerfully said, as oblivious as ever. Malik and Bakura turned to stare at him. Marik was slowly backing away as Anzu threw her bag away. "Right?"

"Moron!" They snapped at him and each of them grabbed one of his arms and hauled ass with Anzu following quite quickly. After all, she was a dancer and perfectly fit. Yami gave a tiny squeak of fear.

"She's gaining!" He yelped. Malik, Bakura, and ahead, Marik, all turned and saw that she was, indeed, getting closer.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS DID THAT TO TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS!" She fairly screamed. At this, the three yamis paled and Malik let out a string of violent Egyptian.

The two that were holding Yami released him and said, "You're on your own!" and sped ahead, passing Marik, who shouted profanities at them. Yami was flung into a crowd of hurrying students, crashing himself and them into the lockers. Anzu ignored him and continued chasing the other three. It did not even occur to her that Malik hadn't really done anything and had never been a part of it. She was too infuriated to notice much.

X

Jounouchi rubbed the back of his head, watching Anzu eating her lunch. Yuugi and Ryou kept casting her nervous looks, appearing apologetic. They repeatedly said, "You really don't have to worry about it, Anzu," and, "We can take care of them ourselves," or, "They're our yamis, you know." No matter what they said, she would shortly tell them, "But you're my friends," and that would end the discussion until it was brought up again.

As he reflected on it, Jounouchi noticed that Malik, Marik, Bakura, and Yami were nowhere to be seen and Ryou and Yuugi did not seem too bothered by that. In fact, they looked relieved that the yamis and Malik were nowhere to be seen. A dull light bulb flickered to life in Jounouchi's brain and he thought, _Maybe that's why Anzu's so heated up. _"So, uh...What's dis about da yamis?" He asked, clueless. Honda stopped eating and turned to gawk at him. Ryou and Yuugi's heads turned much slower, horrified expressions dominating their facial features.

"They aren't gay," Anzu flatly said, "and they acted like it just so they could ruin Yuugi and Ryou's life." She smiled suddenly. "So I'm going to make them walk on their toes so they'll think I'm going to tear them apart limb from limb. They're going to regret messing with my friends." Jounouchi gave a nervous laugh.

"Oh...Okay. Er, sounds good. Great plan. Great, great plan," he hastily told her, turning his complete attention to his food again. Yuugi, Ryou, and Honda sweat dropped, exchanging looks.

Anzu, meanwhile, was considering over how she should mess with them. She recalled that Malik had been running away from her, too, and felt regretful that she had alarmed him so much. She had nothing against him; he had simply been there and she had been too angry to notice she was chasing and yelling at him. Anzu felt that he might be able to help her if she could find him. She would have to do a lot of persuading to make him trust her. He likely thought she was after his head. _I hate to admit it, but using Yami and Bakura's liking me is the only way to get back at them, _she reflected. _As for Marik, I'm sure that Malik is already getting revenge for that, so I'll just see if he needs my help. _She beamed to herself. _This is going to be _fun_! Too bad Yuugi and Ryou don't appreciate it. They're such sweethearts. _She glanced at them.

_I wonder what that look was for? _Yuugi wondered.

_Bloody hell..._ was all Ryou thought. Lately, that seemed to be his opinion about quite a few things.

X

Malik knew someone was following him. He told himself it was just Marik playing a trick on him, but he had an inkling it was that insane banshee woman who had chased him and the others throughout the rest of the school. As he turned around quickly and, seeing nothing, turned back, he paled when he realized how right he was. He held back the flinch of anxiety and cautiously said, "Anzu..."

"Hi," she cheerfully greeted. "Listen, Malik, I'm really sorry about this morning." She laughed, knocking herself on the head with her knuckles, sticking her tongue out. If anything, that made him even more anxious. He gazed at her with huge, horrified eyes. "I wasn't paying much attention. Anyway, I need your help with something."

"Oh no," he groaned, suddenly comprehending. "No way am I getting involved in this, Anzu. If I know you, you're going to get back at them. Don't you realize that two wrongs don't make a right? This is an extremely _good_ example of that. They'll think up something stupid to get back at you and then it'll become a pattern."

"Even if you get a kiss in the bargain?" Anzu innocently asked. His eyes narrowed.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't care about Marik, but Bakura and Yami are always flirting with me, so I figure I'll kiss you and tell them that that could have been them if they hadn't acted like such jerks." Anzu could see he was thinking it over. Malik was as much of a pervert as his yami, he simply did not proclaim it to the world. She felt a little bad, because, admittedly, she did like one of her admirers. She didn't like hurting him and although he was a bit annoyingly, it was hard not to like him. "So, Malik?"

"Well...I suppose," he slowly agreed, a grin starting on his lips. If she didn't like the guy she did right now, she could easily fall for Malik. He was a bit too much like Marik for her liking, though. Besides that, almost every girl and guy had a crush on him. She had a feeling that if they got in an argument, he would use that to his advantage. He was, from her perspective, one of the biggest playboys in Domino and that included Bakura and Marik. "How does tomorrow sound? I'll get the other three in the cafeteria. Bakura and Yami, at the very least, if not Marik."

"Great!" She hesitated. "Where, uh, were you guys at lunch, anyway? Did you even eat?"

"Marik and Bakura snuck through the kitchens and got some stuff. We ate at the back of the school." He shrugged. "No problem. Anyway, see you tomorrow, Anzu." He waved a hand and passed her to continue going home. She watched him and then let loose a heavy sigh. She sure was doing quite a bit of random kissing lately. First Ryou, then Bakura, and now Malik. But then, a girl has to use her assets sometime.

X

The next day, Malik consulted the three yamis and received a predictable response. At first, it had been hard enough convincing them to come inside the school. None of them had any classes with Anzu, though, except for Malik. They had given him a queer look, as though asking, "Are you out of your fucking mind?" but since he seemed completely at ease, they followed him. But then the suggestion about lunch...

"WHAT! ARE! YOU! THINKING!" Marik screamed, stressing his point by throwing his arms in the air and jerking his hands towards Malik every word. Bakura would have laughed if he was in a more agreeable mood. However, as it was, he felt similarly. Any other woman he might have scoffed at, excluding that Mai Kujaku. She had the looks of a woman who could perform an over-the-top PMS rage without being on her period and over something trivial as a missing shoe or something like that.

"Is he even thinking?" Yami musingly asked. He hadn't been chased all over the school, but knocked out thanks to Malik and Bakura, so he had a more or less flippant attitude. "Anzu looked angrier than she did when Kaiba threatened to throw himself off Pegasus's building. Actually, now that I think of it, she gets pissed off by Kaiba a lot." He beamed. "We have something in common!" Bakura slapped him without looking at him.

"Shut the hell up," was all he said.

"I assure you, she has gotten over everything," Malik assured. "I talked to her yesterday. I almost ran away, but she explained that everything was fine and that she had talked to Yuugi and Ryou and they wanted us to come back. Apparently they thought she was overreacting, so she felt bad about it."

"_Hmm_," Bakura murmured, glaring. "It _sounds_ like the truth... Did she offer to fuck you if you lured us to her or something?" Malik scowled. Yami shot him a disapproving look. Ignoring Malik, he spoke to Yami, "I don't give a shit how 'innocent' you think Mazaki is, Yami. Remember she was the one talking about Yuugi putting fingers in special places. I'm not inclined to believe that she's as clean-minded as she makes herself out to be. You never know – she might not even be a virgin."

"Stop talking nonsense," Malik sighed, rolling his eyes. "Will you guys just come to lunch? She wants to make up."

"Well, _I'm _going," Yami decided. Marik muttered something vulgar under his breath, concerning pharaohs chasing after balls. The pharaoh in question sent him a scathing look.

"Yami's on her hit list, right beside me," Bakura remarked, "so I'll just stand away from her so that she goes after his throat first. You might as well come, Marik."

"Fine, but I'm not sitting down. I'm standing up, ready to run out of there." Bakura shrugged indifferently and they all went their separate ways to class.

Once lunch arrived, the three yamis were gathered and sluggish in going to the cafeteria. Yami was placed in front of them and as they came to the doors, he stopped, casting nervous looks around. Bakura and Marik shoved at his back, growling, "You were so confident this morning! Go on, pharaoh, go _on!_"

"B-but what if she _does _go for me first?" He whimpered, scrabbling to not slide on the linoleum and failing. He slid into the cafeteria and they continued to slide him to the table. They gave him a push as Anzu stood up and Yami stared at her with huge, terrified eyes. A tremulous smile edged onto his lips and he raised a stiff hand. "Uh...HELLO."

"Hi, Yami." She glanced to the lunch line. "You guys might want to get in line before everything's gone." She gave a friendly, warm smile to them. Yami relaxed and nodded, turning back to the two. Anzu heard him say, "What did I tell you?" in which Marik responded, "Shut the fuck up, pharaoh, we had to drag you in here!" She turned to Malik, raising her eyebrows in question. He merely shrugged, unable to say anything in front of the others. She sat down beside him and waited until the yamis returned.

When they did, there was a brief tussle. Yami tried to sit at the edge of the table, farthest from her. Bakura and Marik grabbed him and shoved him at the seat closest to her and then Bakura settled beside him. Marik obstinately remained standing, glaring at Anzu suspiciously. Any other time the others – and her, too – would have laughed. Yuugi and Ryou were nervous, not knowing what was going on. Honda and Jounouchi were simply gazing around with a hint of interest on their face. And besides, Anzu felt guilty for making them feel so uncomfortable with her. This next thing was going to make it even worse.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," she told them earnestly, "but you, Yami, should have especially known I wouldn't be too happy if you did that to two of my friends." He had the grace to look ashamed. Marik glared daggers at Yami, not in the least ashamed. Bakura had a familiar, bored look on his face. She wondered if he was even listening to her. "It's really too bad..." This caught everyone's attention. "Because...Well, _Malik_ didn't do anything wrong and I felt so bad for him. So..." She turned to him and there was no time wasted. She was briefly startled by how expert Malik's kiss was, unlike Ryou's timid one, and although Bakura was a good kiss, it still wasn't the same. And, of course, not quite as deep as this one.

"Wha...?" Yami sputtered. Marik dropped the apple he had been trying to eat while Anzu was eating, letting it roll on the cafeteria floor. Bakura was beyond sullen or angry. He simply watched the scene unroll with a black, unpleasant expression. The others were as speechless as Yami and Marik. Clearly they had not known this was about to happen, either.

_Why does she always have to kiss other guys? _Bakura thought irritably when they parted. Malik smiled lazily at Yami and Bakura, making it obvious that this was _Anzu's _plan directed only at those two. "Do you kiss _every _guy you feel bad for?" He snidely asked her.

"No," she cheerfully answered. He was displeased to find that her cheeks were flushed and her lips swollen. This was turning out to be an incredibly, disgustingly horrible week. He wondered if Marik would mind much if he ripped Malik to shreds. Unfortunately, he knew that more than just Marik would mind. And, after all, it's not as if he could blame Malik. Anzu must have presented the plan to him and any sane male would have agreed if it meant getting a kiss. "But you and Yami deserved that. It might have been one of you guys if you hadn't been such asses to Yuugi and Ryou. I'm sick of all this fighting going back and forth between you guys. So, can we just drop it? Huh?"

"Why don't you just try and stop us?" He drawled.

"I'm not really interested in causing trouble anymore," Yami spoke up, looking between the two.

"I don't want your stupid ass anyway," Bakura snapped. "You don't _whose_ side you're on!"

"Well..." Yami began, but then trailed off, sulking.

"That's what I thought."

"Honestly, Bakura!" Anzu sighed. "I'm just asking for you and Marik to back off. I'm tired of using my feminine wiles to get what I want." She sighed again, pushing a hand in her hair and turning her head away. "It's so hard being a woman."

(sweat drop)

"Fine, whatever," Bakura muttered, "just shut the hell up. I'm sick of listening to you – I'm sick of you in general." He rose to his feet, tucking his hands in his pockets. Marik seemed to be in such a bad mood that he would do anything to get away from her. The two of them rounded the table and Bakura leaned between Anzu and Malik, breathing in her ear, "But let's see how long you can go without me." She turned to stare at him. He smirked and then straightened, winking at her. Her face flooded with embarrassed colour. He laughed and then he and Marik sauntered out of the cafeteria.

"Ah..." Malik said lowly, grinning rather mischievously. "You've got the hots for Bakura!" His grin turned utterly evil. "Blackmail!" She groaned, pressing her face into her hands. The rest of the table was puzzled, having thought that she had got what she wanted.

_Reason Four:...And they like to mess up your friends' lives while they're at it._


	5. Reason Five

_Reason Five: Yamis have no qualms with destroying things in their path to get what they want. This includes people, animals, and any other kind of object. _

Naturally, the school knew nothing of the temporary truce between the yamis and Yuugi's group. In fact, they were still flipping shit towards Yuugi and Ryou. At one point Bakura and Yami had to step in when a bisexual jock thought that it would be amusing to have a threesome with the smaller males. It had been the day after the truce was made and Bakura was walking with Ryou for once, rather than Marik. Malik had cheerfully said that his yami was occupied that morning, which could only mean that Marik had been unable to avoid one of Malik's torture methods and he was tied up with it. In any case, Yami had returned to hanging around his abiou and so the four of them were walking down the hall when the jock accosted Yuugi and Ryou.

"Hey, there bay-beeee." Ryou blinked as a hand held his locker door open and he turned to see the jock hovering over him. Yuugi, beside him, gave a nervous look to the yamis that were bickering a few feet away, totally oblivious. Somehow he had a feeling this was going to end up putting Ryou in a very uncomfortable situation. "I've had my eye on you for some time now..."

"Um, have you?" Ryou politely questioned, thinking to himself, _That's the most used cliché I will ever hear..._ "That's nice."

"Yeah, it is," the jock agreed, running his eyes down Ryou's body. Ryou's smile turned stiff and he tensed, sweat breaking out on his forehead. "Some days I have to skip a period to get rid of some problems happening in my pants." He wiggled his eyebrows at Ryou suggestively. "I bet you would like to fix those problems." Ryou stared at him, horrified at the implications. In fact, his already pale skin had turned even paler and he looked sick. He slumped back against the locker and Yuugi hesitantly placed a hand on his shoulder. "Oh, hey, there, little Yuugi." He winked at him. "I been wanting your sweet little bootie, too."

"Oh, my..." Ryou muttered faintly. Yuugi was trying hard not to blush and failing miserably.

_This has got to be sexual harassment, _Yuugi thought and sent a desperate look to Bakura and Yami. Perhaps they felt his gaze or were simply finished fighting with each other, but Bakura casually glanced over at them and his brow furrowed in confusion at seeing a guy closing in on his abiou. He nudged Yami and gestured over there. Yami shrugged and the two of them approached. _Thank God!_

"What the hell are you doing?" Bakura asked the jock, taking a hold on his shoulder and pulling him back. Ryou looked...well, not right in the head at that moment. "Don't you know you're not my abiou's type?"

"How would _you_ know?" The jock retorted, straightening indignantly. "I'll have you know that I'm longer than six inches in the pants!"

"Yeah, I'm sure. You might somehow manage to be six inches erected, but thank you, you don't have any of the characteristics of a guy with a good set of cock and balls." Bakura sighed, crossing his arms and nodding to Yami. "You see that guy right there? You have all the same proportions as him and from what the rumor mill says, he's not even two inches long. So..." The jock was staring at Yami, shocked, and Yami looked like he was ready to attack Bakura and eat his innards for supper.

"I'm not _that _small!"

"Ah, but you admit that you're not big. My abiou runs around with a ruler in his hand when he goes for his guys." The jock cast a nervous look to Ryou. Coincidentally, there was a ruler in Ryou's open locker that the jock could see. Flushing, the man mumbled something under his breath and hurried away.

"Thanks for nothing!" Ryou howled. "Now I don't only look more gay, but whenever I use a ruler, people are going to think I just got back from measuring s-s-some..._guy_." He blushed and ducked his head, embarrassed. Bakura gave him a blank look.

"What's wrong with that?"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" Yami snarled, shoving Ryou away and glaring in Bakura's face. "You have no right going around talking about my personal business! If my manly parts were that small, I think I would have committed suicide long ago! I'll have you know that the women in my harem absolutely vied for my attention and wanted me to use them for services! How dare you make up lies about me! Now Anzu will never want to have my child."

"Would you like a breath mint?" Bakura mildly asked, offering him a Cert mint. Yami frowned and looked down at it and then took it, popping it in his mouth. "Thank you. Now I won't have to smell that awful garlic coming from your breath. What the hell did you eat, pharaoh?"

"Garlic curry," Yami replied, "and it was worth it!"

"I'm amazed I never smelled it until now with how you've been breathing down my neck."

In any case, the issue was resolved, yet the males of the school did not look at Ryou the same ever again. What's more, since Yuugi hung around Ryou so much, it was assumed that they were boyfriends and people had taken to making kissing noises at them. Indeed, rumors of their sexuality would be hard to dissuade unless they actually became gay. That, however, was not probable since Ryou had liked kissing Anzu and Yuugi had a taste for beautiful women. This, of course, was thanks to Jounouchi, who was constantly shoving pornography videos on him. Yuugi knew no better than to watch them for entertainment, personal or otherwise.

"I have a serious dilemma," Bakura announced a few days later after the incident with Ryou's homosexual admirer. Marik stared at him, looking skeptical and a bit pissed off. The first was because, well, when Bakura usually said he had a serious dilemma, it came to be anything but that. The second was that he had only recently managed to escape from Ishtar House of Horrors as he was now calling his home, no thanks to Malik. In fact, there were still bruises around his neck from a particular torture device that he had been unable to avoid. The only thing he said to that was that it was very uncomfortable.

"And that is?" Marik drawled, idly snapping his pencil into separate pieces.

Bakura crossed his arms over his chest, frowning solemnly at his companion. "Mazaki has been avoiding me ever since we set up this so-called truce. You know, I think she might actually have the hots for me. I was just teasing her, but anytime that I see her, she runs away and gives me this nervous look." He looked at Marik curiously. "What do you think?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"I think you're a complete and utter idiot," Marik cheerfully said.

"I AM NOT!" Both jumped out of their seats as a certain Pharaoh lunged in between them, his fists clenched indignantly. "HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN GOSSIP ABOUT ME?" He sighed, closing his eyes and flipping some hair from his face. "I mean, I _know_ I'm wonderful, but to talk about me every day? Tsk, tsk, gentlemen – _tsk, tsk!_"

Frankly, Bakura and Marik looked disgusted at the utter arrogance that Yami seemed to have. "Stupid Pharaoh!" Marik snarled. "Why would we talk about your worthless ass?" He eyed Yami. "I wouldn't say wonderful, more like Wonder Bread with as spineless as you are. Sucked on any guy's – "

"I have a dilemma, Pharaoh!" Bakura interrupted angrily, getting in Yami's face – or rather, towering over him as he stood up. It was lucky they were in homeroom where _everyone _slacked off and the room was noisy or else a lot of heads would be turning towards them. "I don't need to hear about your sudden egotism! Go hang with Kaiba or something. I'm not interested in dealing with your shit today." He turned away, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "If only I knew how to find out...Some..._test_ maybe. But how to get _near _her?"

"Are you mumbling about Anzu?" Yami demanded, his arrogance briefly forgotten as he ducked underneath Bakura's face and glared up at him. "I told you to stay away from her, demon! Ra only knows what hideous things you have in mind for her!" He took a step away as Bakura scowled at him. "Anzu deserves better than a degenerate as a boyfriend! I know what you'll turn into as soon as we graduate. Not only will you _not_ graduate, but you're going to be one of those people that hang around the bus plaza, dealing drugs and wearing baggy clothing and bandanas."

"Pharaoh, only Mexicans do that," Marik sighed, rolling his eyes as if _everyone _knew that.

"And I'm not Mexican!" Bakura growled. "I'm mother fuckin' EGYPTIAN!"

"The first step to that path," Yami wisely stated, "is that kind of attitude and language." He nodded, attempting to look as though this was a subject he had studied for all his life. Which, although Yami had a good deal of experience with trouble making, was not at all true. "And stop sidetracking me. What are you planning with my Anzu?"

"You sidetracked yourself, Pharaoh. Why am I even talking to you?" Marik glowered at Yami. "Did you lose your dildo or something so you can't be entertained? Don't think I haven't seen you. Don't think I know what you got when you were a kid. Instead of a binky, you got one of those. Explains why you're such a gay ass."

"I'M NOT – "

"Can we PLEASE stick to my problems?" Bakura snarled. "I am so SICK of that good-for-nothing – " Here he thrust a finger towards Yami, who blinked. " – getting all the attention. He's like Harry fucking Potter! 'Ooh, my parent's died, so I'm entitled to this, this, this, and this. Everyone pay attention to me because I have a tragic past and magnificent power from the Dark Lord! Blah, blah, blah! Yadda yadda yadda! Boo hoo hoo!' Dear Ra does he never shut up?!" Bakura clutched his hair wildly, looking quite deranged. Yami had taken a few steps back during his rant, looking a bit disturbed. Even Marik seemed to be freaked out. Bakura suddenly realized the entire classroom had gone silent and he whipped around, saying, "WELL? IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME?" Instantly the students turned away and the noise level rose again. Bakura sighed, calmed himself, and turned back to the two, adding, "Not that I've ever _read_ those Harry Potter books, of course."

"You don't know who dies in the sixth book, then?" Yami asked curiously.

"Dumbledore should have died anyway," Bakura dismissively said. "The seventh book reveals him to the power-obsessed freak he is." He paused, blinking, and then glared at Yami. "I _hate _you..." Yami smirked in return.

"You have our attention, Bakura," Marik said, "so use it wisely rather than bitching about fictional characters."

"Right. Well." He returned to rubbing his chin again in the manner that most cliché evil geniuses do. "I was thinking of a test, to figure out if Anzu has the hots for me or not."

Yami snorted. "Like that'll ever happen."

"Shut up, Pharaoh," Marik said serenely, not even bothering to look his way.

Ignoring them both, Bakura continued, "I was thinking I would steal something and see how she reacts. Maybe get myself put in prison for awhile, have some fun, and then if she doesn't visit me, obviously she doesn't give a damn, so then I'll break out and everything will be all good. Oh, and I'll erase their minds."

Pause.

"There's only, uh, one flaw with that plan, Bakura," Marik pointed out hesitantly. "We don't have our Sennen Items anymore."

"Idiot," Yami muttered.

"Oh..." A blank, surprised expression crossed the thief lord's face. "You're right. That could be a bit...problematic." He scowled. "And nobody asked for _your _opinion, Pharaoh. I might have forgotten something, but you went up to Kaiba and practically confessed your undying love for him. I heard him muttering about it into his phone, so don't think I don't know the truth of your intentions, freak boy."

"FREAK?"

"Oh, Ra, please don't tell me I have to listen to _this _again...," Marik groaned, covering his face as an outraged expression flashed over the little Pharaoh's face. He had called Yami a freak once before and all hell had broken loose as what Marik considered a very boring speech exploded from Yami. Or more like, a very boring tangent. _At least when I get pissed and start ranting, what I say is interesting, _he thought petulantly, listening as Yami started screaming about this and that while Bakura just stared at him with a mildly amused expression on his face. _He laughs now...But he'll be crying later._

X

Malik knew that his yami was involved in some hare-brained plan of Bakura's again. Generally, Bakura's plans worked out pretty well. In fact, up until recently, they had been brilliant. Unfortunately, it was obvious to this abiou that Bakura had been letting what was in his pants rule over logic. That, for such a stubborn, genius thief as Bakura, was never a good idea. No matter whether he felt that the idea was stupid or not – or if someone else did – he would be convinced everything would go as planned. How was he to see the difference between a brilliant and stupid plan of his? Aside from his obstinacy, there was Bakura's cocky nature. Never a good combination.

"What are you three up to now?" Malik asked, striding up to the table that the three yamis were at. He had not expected Yami to be involved again after the last utter fiasco.

"Oh, something _fantastic,_" said Pharaoh gleefully reported. "I simply cannot wait to – "

"Shut the hell up, Yami!" Bakura barked. "I don't want Mazaki's plaything getting in my business, so go hump a dog somewhere, Malik. That's your thing these days, right?" He eyed Malik. "Or was it inanimate objects? Your interests change too fast for me to keep track."

"Stop being a jealous prick, Bakura," Malik chided with a grin. "It doesn't suit you."

"Fuck off," Marik commanded, waving a hand agitatedly. "Nobody wants you around here, let alone alive."

"Someone doesn't want you alive, either," he lightly remarked in return. He narrowed his eyes as his grin grew into a look of utter insanity. "_Soon..._" He smiled normally again with all three yamis staring at him, their eyes bugged out and their lips clamped together. "Well, good luck I suppose. Hope you don't get molested again. Hope nothing bad happens to _me _because of _your _stupidity." At that, he turned and left them gaping.

Shuddering, Bakura muttered, "You really need to do something about him, Marik."

"He isn't like other abious," Yami whimpered, sinking in his seat. "Why can't you have an abiou like ours? That would make things so much easier."

Later that day, when Yami arrived home with Yuugi, he decided that it was time to check on the status of him and Anzu. Naturally he was not involved in this new plan of Bakura's to help the Tomb Robber, but more of to entertain himself. He did, after all, enjoy a good laugh, especially when his nemesis was going to make himself look like an utter fool. In any case, after leaving Yuugi downstairs, he went upstairs to the computer and turned the monitor on and clicked on Sims.

"Hmm, looks like everyone's healthy," he remarked as the game loaded and he entered the world. However, trouble was brewing in Sims. Yami was a bit of a strange person and had made Sims of all of those in his life, including (but not limited to) Honda, Jounouchi, Anzu, Yuugi, Bakura, and Marik. And there was him, of course. Currently he was standing next to Sims Anzu and she walked over to Sims Bakura. Yami frowned and leaned towards the screen, his mouth turning down in puzzlement.

Bubbles appeared above Sims Anzu and Sims Bakura. Two plus signs.

"Oh no!" Yami gasped, his eyes widening in shock.

And then, hearts.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" He shrieked, jumping up from the chair and clutching his hair. "NOT IN SIMS WORLD, TOO!!!!"

"Yami!" Yuugi burst into the room. "What's wrong? YAMI, DON'T! PUT DOWN THE COMPUTER!" Yami had literally ripped the flat screen monitor out of the wall and before he could obey Yuugi, he violently hurled it through the window. There was a shatter of glass that flew out with the monitor and then the sound of two people screaming. There was the sickening crunch of plastic hitting the concrete and a dog barking nearby. Everything was silent after the abrupt explosion of noise, with the exclusion the dog that was barking wildly. Yuugi and Yami hesitantly approached the window and peered down. The monitor was a mess. "Look at what you've done!" Yuugi exclaimed, jabbing a finger down to the plastic pieces below them. "That was an expensive monitor and not only that, you've broken the window! I won't be able to check my e-mail for days because of this, Yami!"

"You don't understand, Yuugi!" Yami protested, clenching his fists passionately. "Sims Anzu and Sims Bakura were in love! I had to stop them some way!"

Yuugi frowned. It seemed that his yami had not learned about cheats. With certain cheats, the characters would fall in love and that would be that. If it had been such a big deal, Yami could have made the Sims one of him and Sims Anzu be together. But, Yuugi admitted that it was weird that the Sims Anzu and Bakura got together. He concluded this was something that Yami did _not_ need to know.

"Yami, it's just a game," he told him soothingly. "You need to calm down!"

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! THAT THIEVING DEMON IS GOING TO STEAL MY WOMAN AND I WON'T HAVE IT!" Yami dashed past Yuugi, knocking the smaller of them down. Yuugi stared after him, bemused and a bit irritated. He rose to his feet and pushed his head out the window, hearing the door slam closed downstairs. Yami went running down the sidewalk. Sighing, Yuugi looked down at the broken monitor and glass underneath him. His life really just wasn't fair.

Bakura, calmly settled in his home, had no idea of what was coming his way. He was sitting in the kitchen, laboring over his plan. He had papers all over the table with rulers and crayons, color coding everything and making sure everything was precise. His plan was, in fact, very simple. So simple that it did not need such careful blueprints. He still hadn't figured out how he was going to get out of jail if Anzu didn't bail him out. That was for another time, though.

_I wonder why he keeps watching me like that, _Bakura thought mildly to himself, glancing over his shoulder at Ryou. His abiou had been making dinner and was waiting for his casserole to finish, watching Bakura with pursed lips. _Humph. He just can't handle my genius. _He smirked and set down his pen, crossing his arms over his chest. His plans were finished. Now there was no way anything could go wrong.

Suddenly, there was the sound of the door being thrown open. Ryou jumped and then ducked behind the counter, squealing, "It's a burglar!"

"Ugh, no wonder guys hit on your pansy ass!" Bakura grumbled disgustedly. His arch nemesis, the Pharaoh, came rushing into the kitchen and just as Bakura realized what his intent was, Yami ripped the papers off the table and threw it upside down.

"You snake in the grass!" Yami howled. "You've ruined me for the last time, Tomb Robber! Get up and fight me like a man!"

Bakura really was not paying attention to what he said, staring at the papers on the floor that were crumpled, some of them even ripped. He was seeing all his hard work on the floor, completely and utterly destroyed. At first, he was too numb to respond to the Pharaoh, but then the anger surfaced and he rose to his feet, his face blackening. "You. Ra. Damned. PHARAOH!" Yami blinked and his own anger seemed to wane into uncertainty. "I've been working on those for hours!" Bakura turned and snatched a steak knife from the knife block, turning to Yami with it clutched in his hand.

"Uh...Bakura, what are you doing with that?" Ryou questioned nervously as he rose from behind the counter.

"Yes, put that down!" Yami said, his voice unnaturally high.

"NEVER!" Bakura released insane laughter and charged after the Pharaoh, crashing through the living room and tearing things to shreds with his knife. Yami threw lamps and other things at him and Ryou listened to it from the kitchen, wincing.

It was going to be a long night.

X

Marik limped into homeroom with a sulky stare on his face. His abiou was starting to really piss him off. He was beyond fear anymore. He just wanted to kill the blonde dip shit. Unfortunately, Malik had become rather good at hiding not only himself, but items that really ought not to be hidden. As he paused in front of his desk, he stared in some surprise at Bakura and Yami. Yami had band aids on his face and a thick bandage on his arm. Bakura had a similar bandage on his temple. Both were sulking as much as Marik. "Your abious couldn't have done that to you," Marik flatly said.

"No, this moron threw a ten-inch vase at my head," Bakura growled menacingly.

"He was chasing me with a knife!" Yami added. "He was trying to _kill _me!"

"Who doesn't want to kill you, Pharaoh?" Marik queried. "You are, after all, a bit too much of flaming homo for me." He sat down and rubbed his thigh where he had recently been shot at with a blunt-tipped arrow in the bathroom. Malik seemed not to want to kill him yet. "I saw you the other day in you roller blades."

"Roller blades? What are – "

"Wiggling your butt like a girl with a bright pink tank top and yellow short-shorts." Marik grinned at Yami's fuming expression. "You really shouldn't go out in public like that if you want to keep your being gay a secret."

"You fucking – " Yami began, but Bakura interrupted him, slapping a fist into the palm of his hand.

"That's right! Today is the day that I get arrested!" He turned to look at his glaring companions. They did not appear to hear him. Scowling, he snapped, "Hey! Are you listening to me at all? Today after school we have to go downtown so that – "

"Hey, Bakura." All three males turned to see a jock standing awkwardly at the side of Bakura's desk. Bakura frowned and then realized with a jolt of horror that this was the jock that he had pretended to hit on. This definitely could not be a good thing. Especially since said jock was blushing and shifting from foot to foot. Bakura hastily cast a look around the room. Thankfully no one else that he knew was here. That did not mean, however, that Yami wouldn't go around blowing his mouth off like some kind of bike horn. "I...I'm ready to take your request!" In a louder voice, he ducked his head and closed his eyes, announcing, "I want to be in an empty classroom with you!!"

Yami's jaw dropped while Bakura just stared at him, trying hard not to get sick on the floor. Marik had turned away, covering his mouth, and his shoulders were shaking suspiciously. Somehow Bakura did not think his friend was crying. He quickly ran through his options and seeing as how if he announced his heterosexuality to the classroom he would be seen as a liar, he decided the only thing to do was go in a different classroom with the guy. Things might not go as the jock planned, but that was not Bakura's concern.

Calming himself, Bakura rose to his feet and said, "Alright, let's go." The class made an 'OOOOH' sound that halted immediately when Bakura shot them warning looks.

Bakura led the jock to an abandoned classroom and shut the door after ushering the guy in. The jock shifted nervously, his eyes flickering from one thing to another. Bakura gave a suave smile and then cracked his knuckles. The jock froze as Bakura spoke.

"So...You took my joke seriously, did you?"

When Bakura returned to the classroom, Marik's bored expression twisted slightly and he coughed loudly, hastily recomposing himself. Yami was staring at the wall, appearing bemused. The ex-thief lord sat down with a glare to both of them. Marik gave a lazy smile and remarked, "That was a quick butt fuck." Yami's head jerked to the side, his eyes bugging out in terror.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" Bakura roared.

X

Anzu, meanwhile, was skipping class. Now, this was not a daily occurrence. She was a good, Christian school girl who went to all her classes, with the exception of skipping a couple quarters to sneak onto a yacht and hanging around a duelist island. Oh, and there were those other times where she went on a luxury blimp and one of Kaiba's jets, but other than that, she generally did not skip school. In any case, she was grimacing by the fire exit, clenching and unclenching her fists in her skirt. She just knew that Bakura was up to something. It was obvious by the way he had looked at her the other day. His smile had been far too sly for her liking. _How did he find out? _She wondered sullenly.

With a sigh, she stumbled out the fire escape door and jumped at seeing Kaiba leaning against the railing smoking a cigarette. He scowled at her irritably as her jaw dropped in shock. "What are you doing with that?!" She demanded, pointing at the cigarette. "You're not eighteen yet!"

"You'd be surprised with that I can get away with, Mazaki," was all he said to that. Her face fell and she blinked before shaking her head and glaring. "Oh, don't even try and preach to me," he continued, turning away from her in utter boredom as he took a drag of his cigarette. "Don't think I haven't noticed those flirty stares you and Bakura have been exchanging. What, just lose your virginity or something?" Kaiba sent her a look that reminded her of her father's famous disapproving glances.

"NO!" Anzu fairly screamed. "Are you kidding me? I'm proud to be a virgin, thank you very much!" He shifted, clearly uncomfortable with her declaring that to him. "And put out that cigarette! The smell is horrible!"

"Now which one of us donates money to this stupid school?" Kaiba asked mildly. He smirked as he said, "Oh, that's right – me." Anzu decided as he inhaled from the cancer stick that he definitely would be awarded Jackass of the Century if they had such an award. She made a mental note to make one just for him.

_On second thought, _she corrected herself, _that would just make him cockier, so forget it. _"When did you start smoking anyway, Kaiba?" She asked at last, simply to make conversation. She just wanted to avoid thinking about her embarrassing position with Bakura. She briefly thought about using Kaiba to get Bakura off her case, but really was sick of acting like a slut to get her ways and _really _doubted that Kaiba would go through with such a plan. If she knew him – and seeing as how she was his favorite candidate for intelligent arguments, she did – he would somehow blackmail her and being blackmailed by Seto Kaiba was worse than getting odd looks from Bakura.

"I started during Duelist Kingdom after I got tortured by that Heart of the Cards bullshit," he answered, "and then I stopped after Battle City was over." Kaiba's face darkened significantly, causing Anzu to step closer to the door just in case. "And then Yami starting hitting on me, so now I'm smoking again." He took a last drag of his cigarette and then put it out. "It's an expensive addiction."

"Um...And potentially life threatening," she added, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Like I said, Mazaki, don't preach to me when you're trying to get into that ex-tomb robber's pants." She flushed embarrassedly and once again avoided the topic. Kaiba, she noted, knew exactly what she was doing and gave a slow, malicious smirk. Of all the people she had to run into, it had to be Kaiba. Why couldn't it have been Jounouchi or Honda? It would even work in this situation! Honda smoked, so she could have come out here and ragged on him about him smoking and then she wouldn't have to deal with the addition of him noticing her attraction to Bakura. The only person – other than Malik, Marik, maybe Yami, and Bakura himself – who would notice this would be the all-observant Seto Kaiba.

Sometimes she really hated him.

"Mind telling me what you two are doing?"

"Why don't you tell me what you and Yami are doing?" She countered, grabbing at a random straw to pull on him. It had the desired effect. He clearly did not want to talk about his misconception of Yami's sexuality just as Anzu was reluctant to speak about his correct assumption of her attraction to Bakura.

"So." He, too, folded his arms over his chest. The gesture made her nervous. Kaiba _was _a businessman, after all. Like politicians, they tended to be conniving and that expression on his face did not imply innocent. "We seem to be at an impasse."

"Yes, it seems that way," Anzu replied. _I can sound smart, too, the jerk. _

"Let's make a compromise, Mazaki. If you ask no questions about your homo pharaoh, I'll ask no questions about the weird tomb robber."

"And say nothing to anyone else?"

"That's going a little far."

"I won't tell anyone of your smoking, let alone Mokuba," she offered. He frowned. _Perfect! I was hoping that Mokuba wasn't on board with his smoking habits. Excellent!!_ "Deal?"

"Fine." Both of them uncrossed their arms and shook hands firmly, Anzu grinning triumphantly. This concluded one problem of hers, at least.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING OUT HERE?! IT REEKS OF CIGARETTE SMOKE!" They whipped around to see one of the less sane teachers leaning out of the fire escape door, a rather demented expression on his face. His eyes darted to the cigarette and he leapt forward, snatching it from the ground. Anzu leaned as far away from the distasteful man while Kaiba simply stood and regarded him with disgust. He was good at that. And besides that, Kaiba realized that part of the deal he had just shook hands on was now void because his smoking habits was going to get around the entire school by the end of the day.

_And now here is another problem for me to deal with, _Anzu miserably thought to herself.

X

"With Kaiba?" Ryou asked Yuugi in gym that day. Naturally, Bakura and Marik were eavesdropping. "What was Anzu doing on the fire escape with Kaiba?" The smaller of the two shrugged helplessly and then got hit with a dodgeball, sending him flying across the gym. Ryou gasped and hurried to help him, but he, too, got hit with a dodgeball.

"Here, honey, let me help you up," one of the boys said, heaving Ryou to his feet and smacking him on the butt with a cheerful smile. "On your way now."

With round eyes, Ryou stumbled over to where Yuugi had fallen and remained sprawled. He pulled him up and both of them guarded their butts with their hands. "Anyway..." Ryou mumbled, blushing bright red. "So did they get suspended for smoking?" Yuugi turned a shocked gaze to his friend. "Well, of _course_ I know that Anzu doesn't smoke," he assured him, "but if the principal thought they were, they would get suspended for that."

"But Kaiba doesn't smoke, either!"

"Oh, I don't know about that...He seems stressed out enough to turn to drugs."

"Ryou, um...cigarettes aren't a drug." Ryou gave Yuugi a blank look. "They're just tobacco. Completely legal."

"Really?" He questioned, genuinely surprised. "Oh, my...I've always thought they were." He shook his head and waved a hand. "But did they get suspended, Yuugi?"

"No, from what I heard, Kaiba threatened to sue them and to withdraw his donations to the school if they did suspended or expelled either of them, so they're still in school and everything." Yuugi kicked a dodgeball as the two of them returned to the sidelines. "Being the CEO of Kaiba Corp. really does work in these kinds of situations, doesn't it? I guess he's going to get some lessons from Honda. Did you know he smokes?"

"He always smells like it."

Bakura and Marik, having lurked near the two, returned to the battlefield of dodgeball, both apparently puzzled. Bakura was a bit pissed off, though. What was that woman doing with Kaiba, of all people? He simply would not accept that type of behavior from her. To take out his anger, he crushed a dodgeball in the face of a poor nerd. His glasses were crushed and he went tumbling to the ground. Marik raised an eyebrow and smacked a dodgeball against the palm of his hand, sighing. "When you think about it," Marik said, "it's no surprise that Mazaki was out there with Kaiba alone. He's been after her from day one."

"Don't be stupid," Bakura snapped. "Everyone knows that he's after the mutt's sister."

"He doesn't even know that idiot Katsuya girl. How could he possibly be after her?"

"Fine, then the slut girlfriend of Katsuya's."

"He's not going to take seconds from Katsuya of all people."

"WOULD YOU JUST LET ME CONSOLE MYSELF?"

"I could...," Marik agreed musingly to himself, "or I could be an ass and continue to bring you down time after time and revel in your suffering." He smiled at his glowering companion. "But I am choosing to wait until after we encounter police to do that, so you needn't worry."

"Good, damn it!"

That day after school, the three yamis trudged to the front of the gates to meet with each other. Yami had a newspaper in his hand, his face wet. Immediately Marik got on him about the forlorn expression the pharaoh was holding. "What the fuck is your problem now, pharaoh? Crying in school, honestly."

"You would never understand the sorrow that I experience when I read what happens in my homeland, Marik," Yami stated in a tragic voice. Bakura paused from his glowering at Jounouchi and Honda horsing around to give a bewildered look to Yami. Yami snuffled, clutching at his newspaper and then thrust it towards Bakura, saying, "Read the article, Bakura. You would understand more than myself!" Bakura sneered, but obliged him by reading the article, that of the discovery of some pharaoh's corpse in Egypt. Which, really, did not seem reason enough to emit such melodramatics. Marik sent him a questioning look and Bakura merely shrugged.

"What are you blubbering about, idiot? People are always defiling tombs to – "

"'Unlock the secrets of their pasts,'" Marik finished rudely.

"I don't care about that!" Yami howled, snatching the newspaper and stabbing at the picture. "BUT LOOK AT THIS! HIS PENIS IS MISSING AND SO HE CANNOT HAVE PLEASURE IN THE AFTERLIFE!" Neither Bakura nor Marik reacted fast enough to shut him up. By the time both of them had a grip on him, Marik holding his arms behind his back and Bakura with a hand over his mouth and clutching at the newspaper, a good deal of those in the courtyard had turned to stare in horror and bafflement.

"Remind me why _he _has to be involved again," Marik hissed, glaring down at Yami who was feebly struggling against their grip.

"Once I figure that out, I'll tell you," Bakura said through tightly clenched teeth. Turning to Yami, he demanded, "Now, are you going to shut up about stupid shit like that so that we can actually proceed with things?" Yami nodded. They cautiously released him and after Yami wiped his face, he sighed and staring miserably at the ground. Bakura rolled his eyes and then perked up with malicious delight and left them.

"Where is he going?" Marik grumbled as Bakura snaked his way through the crowds.

"He took my newspaper with him...," was all Yami said in response.

Bakura, however, had spotted Anzu and despite his failed attempts to get a rise out of her, he decided to give it one last try before enacting his Get Arrested plan. Anzu must have seen him coming because she froze and a few emotions played on her face: anxiety, hesitation, and then determination. _Good, she's decided to mature a little,_ he thought gleefully. "Mazaki, I'm disappointed in you," he said with a mock hurt expression. He heard someone come up beside him and knew it was Yami and Marik because Yami snatched his newspaper from his hands and went to show it to someone else, likely Jounouchi by the sound of it. "You've been avoiding me and now I've heard that you're hanging out with Kaiba on the fire escape, smoking?" He smirked and waved a finger in her face. "Tsk, tsk, my dear. That's not good for the reputation with how much you've been kissing boys lately." Ryou, who had just joined Yuugi and his grew, blushed at the comment.

Anzu gave a smug grin to Bakura.

_I'm getting a bad foreboding from that expression, _Marik thought and clearly Bakura was, too, because he took a step back with a wary glance around him.

"What Kaiba and I do on the fire escape," she told him primly, "is none of your concern."

Bakura blinked.

And Jounouchi shrieked with disgust both from Anzu's comment and the picture Yami had shown him. There was immediately an uproar but Anzu kept her eyes on Bakura, as though she were waiting for a reaction from him. He just stared at her, trying to sort out lies from truth. He still was not entirely sure what had happened on that fire escape, but surely she would not have done anything with that pillar of cement? Because everyone knew you couldn't melt cement.

He gave no reaction, but there was colour rising to her cheeks which made him begin to smirk.

She was lying to him.

"You won't get me jealous that way, Mazaki," he cooed, tapping her chin with his finger. She scowled at him.

"Yami, damn it, leave the fucking mummy picture alone already!" Marik snapped at the pharaoh that was sighing over the article once again. "Let's go, Bakura, we have things that need to be done." He turned to leave and after a pause, Bakura followed, blowing a kiss to Anzu who flushed even pinker. Yami sullenly followed after abandoning the newspaper with Honda and Jounouchi. He brightened as he passed Anzu, waving a hand in farewell. She numbly raised her hand in response.

"Hmmm...I think she should get out of the sun," Yami remarked as he fell in step with his two companions. "She's looking a little red in the face, don't you think?" Bakura smirked, snickering under his breath before outright cackling. Both Marik and Yami inched away from the deranged male, not at all comfortable with his behavior.

"Ra, he's been acting weird lately," Marik muttered under his breath.

_Reason Five: ...And even though most of the time they get what it is that they want, there is a rare occasion in which they get nothing._

X

DIS: I am seriously sorry for not updating this story sooner, guys. It's been – what? – eight months? I didn't want to let this go for that long, but I haven't had inspiration in forever and it just kind of happened this way. I hope you can forgive me for that. Thankfully, though, I finally finished this chapter. I can't give a specific time for the next update, as you can imagine. I will honestly try to get it up faster than this past time. Inspiration for humor is hard to come by. Inspiration for any type of writing is hard to come by lately. Please leave a review, telling me how you liked it. Do you still think it's funny or has it lost its flair? Till next time – ciao!


	6. Reason Six

_Reason Six: Your yami will always come up with a better plan than you, so when you do have a plan, you probably shouldn't mention it in front of him._

Bakura was feeling pretty confident about his ability to get in jail, given that he was always having the Pharaoh's guards chase after him while he was in Egypt. And, after all, he had watched all the modern shows, played Grand Theft Auto, and there was the fact that just killing somebody in front of a policeman would alert his attention. As he and his two companions trolled downtown, looking for a pack of policemen, however, he was becoming discouraged. It appeared that cops didn't hang out with each other in the middle of a street as much as video games and TV tended to make it seem.

"Where the fuck are all the pigs?" Marik finally asked, looking irritated. He had wanted to get home before Malik and tear through the house to find all the traps and set his own for the weasel, but instead had been dragged to do this and so help him Ra, if there weren't even any cops around to arrest Bakura, there was going to be hell to pay.

"Well, we haven't been to any coffee or donut shops," Yami said, "so maybe that's the problem."

"No!" Bakura snapped. "My sources have said that they stand at random places in the streets and dammit, they should be standing in random groups!"

Neither Marik or Yami knew what Bakura's sources were, so they did not argue that point, although Marik immediately began to think of Assassin's Creed, where the guards would congregate or walk around Florence in groups. He frowned, wondering why modern cops were so boring and actually worked. It's not like they weren't corrupt or anything. In addition, they had been walking around stealing wallets from people in broad daylight and now they had far too many debit and credit cards, not enough cash, and too many IDs. Eventually, Marik had just dumped his in a trash can while Bakura continued to rummage around in his wallets, clearly not caring who saw him (as part of his plan _was_ to get caught doing something illegal).

"Exactly how do you plan on getting out of jail, anyway, Bakura?" Yami demanded to know, frowning as Bakura swore and tossed a wallet behind him, finding nothing useful.

"I told you, I'm going to break out," Bakura said irritably. "I'm a famous thief lord, how else would I get out, you stupid pharaoh?"

"You know you can't just pick locks, right?" Marik asked conversationally. Bakura paused in his steps and frowned at him with a disbelieving look.

"What else would they use on their cells?"

"Are you stupid or something? It's the 21st century, Bakura! They use something called _electronics_...do you know what that is? It's the same thing they use for TVs, cell phones, that kind of thing? Or are you too fucking retarded to remember that much?"

Bakura continued to stare at him for a moment, frowning. He seemed to recall something like in one of his TV shows he watched, but he always figured he could just kill all the guards. But then he recalled they had guns, so that might not be the best of ideas, either and, after all, he was one man and he didn't have his Sennen Ring anymore. It really did suck not having a Sennen Item to aid you. "Whatever," he finally dismissed, waving a hand, "I'll figure it out later."

The three continued through downtown and the yamis were growing more and more irritated when they continued to steal from people, harass them, and still no cop was found anywhere. At last, Bakura decided to be upfront about it and went to the police station. He would have preferred to go out in style by doing something extreme in the middle of the crowded public, but supposed that in order for things to go as he wished, he would simply have to provoke them. Marik and Yami remained outside and peered through the window to see what he was about to do. After all, neither of them had seen this in the movies.

Bakura considered the office for a moment and then the rather large man at the counter. "Fill out the papers for complaints there," the man said without looking up, pointing to a box. Bakura glanced at it and then grabbed it and tossed it over the counter at the man. The fat man merely sighed and gave him an irritated look. "Sir, I understand you're frustrated – "

"Send me your most powerful guard! I will take him!" he announced, cutting off the man. After a pause, he realized that the line sounded rather familiar. Shrugging it off, he pointed a finger at him, saying, "I will take any of you."

"Sir, please calm down."

"I demand it, slave!"

"Sir – "

"You dare to disobey me?"

Outside, Marik was curled up on the ground, laughing his ass off. Yami, on the other hand, was infuriated because it was clear that Bakura was trying to be the alpha male and_ he _was the alpha male, not him. So, unable to control his temper, he charged into the police station, startling Bakura, who whipped around.

"I AM THE PHARAOH AND YOU SHALL OBEY ME!" Yami roared, putting his hands on his hips and staring at the man in an authoritative manner.

There was a long pause where Bakura was glaring at him, sure that Yami was trying to ruin his plan and get in jail instead so that Anzu would bail _him_ out and the man behind the counter simply stared at them, now becoming somewhat perturbed by these events. He had one guy calling him a guard and another man claiming to be pharaoh.

"Get out of here, you stupid pharaoh!" Bakura snarled, momentarily forgetting the man. "I know what you're trying to do and this is MY plan, not yours!"

"I refuse to let myself be trumped by you!" Yami returned angrily and then raised himself as high as he could, saying in a loud, dignified voice, "I am the greatest king in history, having saved Egypt, and I AM BETTER THAN YOU!"

"Fuck you, Yami, and get out of here! You're ruining everything! I've wasted my entire afternoon for this and I WILL get arrested, regardless of whether you interfere or not! I will have my answer of whether Mazaki wants me or not!"

"She is my woman, fiend!" Yami returned and took a step, glowering up at Bakura. "And I will win!" Clearly Yami had forgotten that Bakura's entire plan was pure idiocy and that he had merely tagged along to see him get thrown into jail (and not get bailed out). His brain was overthrown by his ego, which refused to allow Bakura to show himself as the greater male. Such as it was, the man behind the desk had become to call someone – which neither of the Egyptians noticed – and Marik could barely breathe outside because of the hilarity of the situation. He did not seem to care that his companions were acting like complete morons.

"For Ra's sake, man!" Bakura grabbed Yami by the collar of his school shirt and shook him. "You said you would let me do this, what kind of fucking king are you, going back on your word?"

"THE BEST KING IN HISTORY!" Yami replied loudly, clearing trying to get a point across the entire station.

The sudden sound of sirens made both pause and glance at the man, who simply raised his hands in defense, appearing more than a bit frightened. Bakura's face lit up and he released Yami, putting his hands on his hips with a triumphant look. "Finally! I can finally be arrested!" Marik was no longer by the window, having rolled out of their way and was watching it safely from behind a wall. Yami, unfortunately, was not so lucky. When the men charged in, both seemed aware that A) these were not police uniforms the men were wearing and B) they were carrying some rather strange instruments. Bakura's face fell and he became furious. "What is this? You call doctors instead of police? I DEMAND TO BE TAKEN BY THE PIGS!" Bakura lunged at the counter and the large man squealed and in his attempt to run, toppled over. There was the sound of two _pop!_s and both Yami and Bakura fell over.

"Ouch," Marik remarked as he watched the two be escorted into the van, tightly bound with white jackets. "Those tranquilizer needles must've hurt. Ah, well, this works just as well for Bakura." Satisfied that everything that had gone (more or less) as the tomb robber had wanted, Marik dismissed himself and went home to deal with his own insane housemates.

X

Bakura was fairly certain that his plan had not gone quite as he wanted. He and Yami were placed in a cell with one other man, who had remained on his bed, shaking, for the duration that he had been awake. He was still in the white jacket and after rolling off of his bed, he had settled in front of the cell, staring out with a murderous expression. So deadly was his expression that the other prisoners did not wish to make eye contact with him. When Yami had come to, he had tottered around the room for a bit, unaccustomed to being without use of his arms and then had slopped himself beside Bakura. "Well, this is just perfect," Yami grumbled moodily. "I wasn't even supposed to be locked up like this!"

"Yes, way to ruin everything. I'm never going to include you in anything again!" Bakura snarled violently. Yami harrumphed, unbothered by his attitude. "This is why you don't have any friends! You ruin everything!"

"I have _plenty_ of friends and they love me!"

"No, they don't!" Bakura spat back. "It always has to be about _you_, doesn't it? I'm the Pharaoh, look at me, pay attention to me! Well, damn it, what about the hot fucking Tomb Robber? I deserve a bit of fame, as well! I deserve love! I deserve attention! PAY ATTENTION TO ME, DAMN IT!"

"What's your issue?" Yami said, his eyes bugged out as he watched Bakura roar up at the ceiling looking quite mad. "Did you not get enough sleep last night, because they have melatonin for that. It's all natural. Yuugi gives it to me." Bakura muttered under his breath. "What did you say?" Yami demanded suspiciously.

"He probably sticks shit up your ass to please you, too."

"_Nothing_ has _ever_ been up there!" Yami squealed, horrified and more than a bit angry. While Bakura glowered at the ground, Yami raised himself to his knees and drove his head into Bakura's shoulders, knocking them both to the ground. Swearing, Bakura violently kicked Yami, who bit down into his legs.

"GAHHH! WHAT ARE YOU, A CANNIBAL?" Bakura howled, kicking Yami in the head repeatedly, yet the Pharaoh remained fast, grinding his teeth into Bakura's leg. The thief continued to yowl and then they heard guards running to them. They immediately stumbled to their feet and as the guards opened the gate, startled by their sounds, they drove into them with their heads, knocking them over. "Free! Free at last!" Bakura cackled and went running down the hall.

"Wait, Bakura, there's more guards! This way!" Bakura immediately turned and followed Yami, who was running bow-legged.

"Why are you running like that?" Bakura yelled.

"It's easier!"

Bakura attempted and then nearly fell over a flight of stairs. "YOU LIE!"

"You're just too stupid to do it," Yami griped and then the two darted into a small room and shut the door. It was dark inside and as they listened to the guards tromp by, they became aware of heavy breathing behind them. Slowly, they turned to face the breathing. "EEEEEEEEEK!"

"Dear Ra," Bakura muttered, wincing and glaring at Yami. "What the fuck kind of scream is that?" Yami bit down on his lip, staring instead at the man that was in a cage within the room. He had a mask over his face and was breathing heavily, clutching at the cage, staring at them. "So..." Bakura eyed the man. "Who the hell are you?"

"Good evening, Clarice," the man breathed, his eyes focused upon them.

"Uh..."

"Who's Clarice?" Yami whispered.

"Fuck if I know, his nurse? Do you see anything we might get ourselves out of this thing with or are you too stupid to look?"

"He's staring at us!"

"Just ignore him!"

"But what if he attacks?"

"He's in a CAGE, Yami! For Ra's sake, what's the matter with you?"

"Matter with _me?_" Yami muttered, stumbling to the other side of the room and glancing at the man in the cage. "What's the matter with _him_?"

Abruptly, the caged man spoke again, "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

"Hey!" Bakura went over to the cage and glowered at the man. "Shut the hell up with your fava bean shit, I don't care!" Yami was cowering on the other side of the room. He didn't know what fava beans or chianti was, but he did know that the crazy loon had eaten someone's liver and that was not okay, even back in ancient Egypt.

_We used to send their liver with them to Anubis,_ Yami thought sadly. _That man will be without a liver when he moves to that realm. _

"You're quite frank, Clarice," the man said, suddenly turning his head abnormally to the right. "I think it would be quite something to know you in private life." Bakura felt a shiver go up his spine and gave a disgusted shake of his head and then kicked the cage. As he walked away, he felt air move over his leg and saw that the man had tried to grab his leg.

"In jail," he muttered as he moved around the room and struggled with the jacket, "you just get threatened with knives and paper clips and with huge black penises, but in here, you've got fucking nuts calling you 'Clarice' and acting like psychos from a bad Hollywood movie..." His face lit up when we found a cleaver. "Ah ha!"

"You're not seriously going to try and use that, are you?" Yami asked nervously, glancing at the caged man who watched them patiently.

"Why not? Try and hold it in place for me." As Yami did so, Bakura sawed at his cloth and after some time of that, the fabric had been cut enough for him to release his arms. He quickly removed the jacket and then worked on getting Yami out of his jacket. "Alright...now get out!"

"What? Why?"

"Because you need to escape to tell Anzu to come get me."

There was a long pause in which they stared at each other, Yami with a solemn gaze and Bakura with a determined expression.

"Malik's right, you really are becoming stupid."

"Excuse me? That little chicken shit is saying things about me and you only now decide to bring it up?"

"I try not to gossip," Yami said primly, crossing his arms and looking away. "You know how it is. Gossip gets around, gets distorted...I wouldn't want a rumor about you to do that."

"I swear to Ra, Pharaoh, that if you don't tell me more about what he said, I'll – " He paused, hearing footsteps outside the door and hastily waved at Yami to dive behind the table. The caged man turned his gaze to the door as it opened. The lights flickered on and the two exchanged looks. Bakura pointed up and then made a punching motion. Yami gave him a clueless stare. _Marik would be such a better person to have in this situation!_

Ignoring Yami, Bakura leapt up and grabbed the person by throat. The old woman stared at him fearfully. Feeling somewhat guilty, he gently found the pressure point behind her head and she fainted. He took the white jacket off of her and pinned the card on it, backwards, and then grabbed one of the white straight jackets. "Put this on and make it look like you're wearing it right," he told Yami.

"What for?"

"Well, you're not going to help me OR tell me what Malik said, so we're leaving. This is a waste of my time! Can't even get anything to work the way that I want it to anymore. Can't get laid by Anzu, can't get Ryou to get off my back about jacking off in the shower, can't get a decent meal at any restaurants, and now none of my plans even work out right anymore. Nothing works for me anymore!"

"Do you realize you just told me about your masturbation habits?" Yami asked him, struggling back into the straight jacket.

"Don't act like you don't do it, too!"

"I do in front of the computer like a real man! And when Yuugi walks in, I just keep doing it!"

"What the - ?" Bakura whirled around to stare at him in disgust. "What's _wrong_ with you?"

"I'm not ashamed on my girth!" Yami said proudly, raising his head. "And I'm sure any girl would want that!"

"But that you're abiou you're jacking off in front of!"

Yami frowned and then simply shook his head, saying, "Let's go already!" Bakura was still staring at him, looking ill. "Come on!" he snapped irritably. He hadn't really thought of it that way before but he supposed Bakura was right. Yuugi _was_ another man...but still, his girth was amazing and Yuugi was jealous of it, this Yami was certain of. Why not increase that jealousy? Shaking these thoughts from his head momentarily, he followed Bakura out into the hallway. Bakura put a hand on his arm and hurried him through the corridors. Any of the guards that were now in station did not give them a second look.

"I am quite genius," Bakura murmured as they came to a map and he inspected it. An elevator was near that would take them out of the hospital, it appeared. "Why would nobody want my genius?"

"You're a dick," Yami suggested bluntly.

"As if you're any better," Bakura snapped. The two moved to the elevator and as they stepped inside, they saw another doctor moving towards it. Immediately, Bakura released Yami and then smashed into the doctor who was so frightened by the attack, he simply passed out in Bakura's arms as the thief began to rant at him in Arabic.

"You're leaving a trail of bodies, knock it off!" Yami said as they got into the elevator. "That's the first mistake every criminal makes."

"I am an ancient tomb robber from Egypt," Bakura said angrily as the elevator descended. "I make no mistakes!"

"We're in a mental institution instead of jail. How can you not call that a mistake?"

"I will leave your ass in here if I have to, Pharaoh!"

"You don't even look convincing in that tiny white jacket."

"It fits _fine_."

"Maybe you should stop eating so many brownies, fatso." Bakura's mouth thinned into a straight line, but as they exited the elevator, his eyes drifted down dubiously to his mid-drift. They found themselves facing two doors, one that went into the waiting room and what it appeared went through security, as well, whereas the other was being used by doctors. Bakura watched them behind a wall for a moment while Yami removed the straight jacket. Bakura, feeling that he might be less conspicuous with the white jacket, took it off, but kept the key card. After it was empty, he moved forward and swiped the key card. The doors immediately opened into the lobby. "I think we may have a, um, additional problem," Yami said as they stepped into the lobby and peered outside. "Such as...where _are_ we?"

X

Seto Kaiba was really not in the mood for this today. It was one of his usual days. He had stepped into his multibillionaire company, ignored everyone that said good morning, snubbed the man that tried to offer him coffee and then took the stairs when someone tried to hold the elevator for him. Yes, the avoidance of all idiocy of the human race was, thus far, going quite well. But, as he reached the floor where the conference room was located (thankfully nowhere near his own office and the top floor of the building), he was immediately reminded of the idiots that he had to deal with. His market managers were really quite annoying. They either had something to say, wanted to object, and actually thought that they had any say in what was going on in the business at all. It really was obnoxious since _clearly_ Kaiba's way of doing things was superior and therefore worked much better than anyone else's ideas. He certainly didn't need subpar humans suggesting things.

"Mr. Kaiba!" one of the market managers, Tsuchiro, greeted him anxiously as he stepped into the conference room. With the slightest glance, Kaiba acknowledged him and then settled at the front of the desk. The men that had been sitting had straightened when he came into the room and the miniature paper football went flying over the head of the man who had formed the goalie and landed somewhere on the ground behind him. Kaiba ignored all of this. He couldn't expect them to be any better than they were. However, as they did, his cell phone began to ring.

"Kaiba," he answered the phone.

"Kaiba, you have to help us, we're stuck a mental institution, we don't know where we're at, we need a ride and I swear to Ra and God and whatever other god that you might believe in that I am NOT attracted to you and I swear that if you're attracted to me, I won't tell anyone, I swear it. I mean, I can understand why anyone would. I have an attractive face, a perfect body, an amazing girth – even ask Yuugi – but really I don't blame you, I promise I'll keep it a secret if you do. Just PLEASE get me away from this place and Bakura's being an asshole and I don't think I can handle being with him anymore!"

"..."

"Kaiba?"

Swiftly touching 'End' on his phone, he focused his attention on the marketing team again. They looked at him anxiously, but then his phone went off again. Irritated, he rose from his seat, saying, "One moment," and left the conference room. Once he had shut the door, he answered the phone again.

"I'll kill you when I find you if you don't come and get us right now," Bakura threatened through the phone.

"First, how the hell did you two get my number and second, why didn't you call someone else?"

"I can't call Malik, I have too much at stake right now!" Bakura growled. "Apparently he's spreading rumors about me! I can't have him making up another one right now. It'll injure my pride."

"As if it isn't already?" was Kaiba's sarcastic response.

"Damn it, will you just come and get us?"

"I don't even know where you're at."

"Some mental institution. You're smart, figure it out! I have to go hide in bushes because we snuck out, but you'd better damn well show up!" Bakura hung up, leaving Kaiba with a not-so-pleasant taste in his mouth. He glanced back at the conference room and then looked at his phone quizzically. He wasn't sure which would be less enjoyable. Considering the men inside the room, he decided he'd put up with the two idiots instead. Two idiots were better than an entire room full of them.

X

"What was he saying about me?" Bakura growled at Yami in the bushes. They had been crouched there for some time, but he had not forgotten Yami's earlier comment. Yami had been picking at the mushrooms on the ground, wanting to eat them, but unsure as to whether they would satisfy his hunger. "Pharaoh, I'm not kidding when I say I'll kill you for information. You know my forms of torture. Tearing off fingernails...waterboarding..._dick flicking_."

"Fag," Yami snickered. Bakura looked ready to explode, so Yami hastily said, "Alright, fine, all he said was that your plans have been sucking lately. Geez."

"What? _My _plans? My plans have never failed up until this one!"

"Except that plan with Yuugi and Ryou backfired," Yami informed him, "not to mention with Kaiba. And with Anzu. On top of this one!"

"They all worked in the end," Bakura said, smacking his hand on the ground to accent the point. "The only one that didn't was this one because I refuse to be stuck in a place where that freak obsessed with Clarice is!"

"You're obsessed with _my_ Anzu, so..."

"She's not yours, Pharaoh, she hates your guts!"

"She does not!" Yami gasped.

"Are you two done yet?" They looked up to see Kaiba frowning down at them.

"Thank Ra!" Bakura muttered and scrambled to his feet, sprinting to the limo and diving inside. Kaiba watched him with disgust and then followed him much more slowly. Yami gathered a few mushrooms, saying to himself, "Just for the ride," and hastily got inside the limo as well. "Took you long enough."

"I run a business," Kaiba told him flatly, as if that explained the entirety of the world. As Bakura grunted and relaxed against the cushions as they left, Kaiba lit a cigarette, clearly feeling stressed out.

"Where did you get those?" Bakura asked, only then noticing that Yami was eating something.

"They were behind those bushes we were in," Yami said. "And no, you can't have any, so screw off."

"Selfish bitch."

"Those are poisonous," Kaiba told them, blowing out a stream of smoke. "I'll be dropping you off at the hospital."

X

Anzu hastened into the room with Yuugi after the nurse had allowed them entrance. "Yami!" she gasped. "I'm so glad you're okay. Once Yuugi called me, telling you were really sick from eating wild mushrooms...I was really worried."

"Yeah, it's really painful," Yami said in a depressed voice, turning his head dramatically. "I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been so close to the hospital. I could have died."

"Oh, no!"

_Yeah, milk it, _Bakura thought, sitting in the corner of the room while Ryou visited with the others. _Fucking Pharaoh..._

_TBC_

_Reason Six: ...But yamis should also not mention their plans in front of _other_ yamis._

X

DIS: Well...it's been a super long time since I've written on this, so I'm not sure if it's still got any humor to it, but let me know in a review so I can improve the last four chapters when I write them up. No, the wait will NOT be as long, haha...Ciao!


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